Thursday, February 5, 2009

Final Crisis: Superman Beyond 3D #1&2... What the Hell?!?!

Overall- After reading these comic books, I came to a very sad realization. Basically, I didn't understand a damn thing I just read... I really mean that too, I didn't comprehend anything from these comics... Not a thing...

I don't know how many of you out there have read any of the works of William Shakespeare. Well, this semester, I'm taking a literature class, dealing solely with the works of Shakespeare. One thing I've realized while reading Shakespeare is that it's tough to understand certain aspects of his stories, because the English he used 500 years ago is so much different than the English we use nowadays. However, with that being said, despite the different English Shakespeare used, I CAN understand what his plays were about. Sometimes it's tough to decipher exactly what Shakespeare was trying to say, but in the end, I DO understand his stories, language barrier or not.

By now, you must be wondering what exactly I'm getting at. It's simple. While I can understand most of Shakespeare's English, I've come to the realization that I can barely understand ANYTHING Grant Morrison wrote in these 2 comic books. Even though Superman Beyond 3D was written in modern English, I didn't understand what the f### was going on! These comics might as well have been written in Swahili or something. I wish for just one hour out of one day I could crawl into the mind of Grant Morrison and see things the way he sees things... He must have some F###ING crazy thoughts! I honestly don't know if I can even write up a coherent review for these two comic books, but I'll give it a shot anyway...

Um, Superman and some of his counterparts from other Earths wind up in Limbo because of one of those Monitors... I think... Well, then the original(?)Monitor, Mandrakk, I think, is really evil or something and wants to kill all life in the multiverse for some reason... Well, Superman and his evil counterpart Ultraman get smashed together and become a giant robot somehow, and fight this Mandrakk guy. Mandrakk wipes the floor with the Superman/Ultraman robot and then kills one of the Monitors, but seems sad/upset that he did that... OK... The Superman robot then fights Mandrakk again and throws him into a bottomless pit......... Superman and Ultraman then leave the robot and become themselves again. For some reason, Ultraman and Mandrakk then make an alliance on some faraway universe. Superman returns to his proper Earth and heals Lois Lane from the brink of death..........

I would like to know exactly what drugs Grant Morrison is on, so I don't accidentally take them one day! Holy s###, I didn't understand a single thing about these comic books! What the hell did ANY of this have to do with Final Crisis??? Darkseid was never mentioned one single time! Isn't Darkseid/the Anti-Life Equation the main storypoint behind Final Crisis??? I mean, was it just me? Did everyone else understand what was going on in these comic books? I'll be honest when I say that I know next to nothing about the Monitors. But now they're a race of vampires or something??? WTF?!?!

Reading these two comics left me about as confused as I've ever been. How the hell can Grant Morrison be writing Final Crisis as well as Superman Beyond 3D??? One had absolutely nothing to do with the other as far as I can gather. My final question concerning this mini-series is simply "why???". What was the reasoning behind it? Maybe when I read Final Crisis #7 this coming Monday, Feb 9th, this will all make sense... It seems more likely though that if this series was any indication, Final Crisis # 7 is going to be a train wreck of epic proportions! For a score, I have to give these comics a combined score of 1 out of 10... This was bad... Really bad... If anyone wants to try to explain what exactly these comics were about(without spoiling FC #7), please, help me out!


  1. Apparently Morrison believes that what he calls 'connective tissue' between stories is pointless, maybe he thinks everyone sees the world in the same way he does?

    Bigger question, how'd this slide past Didio?

  2. Thanks for the comments GL2814E, it's always great to hear from fellow comic book junkies.

    Like I said, I'd love to crawl into Grant's head for just an hour... I'd probably go insane, but maybe for a moment, I'd understand some of the stuff he writes!

    As for Didio, I think Grant could get away with just about anything, the same way Bendis can do whatever he wants over at Marvel.

    Some editors seem to have their favorites. For Didio, it's definitely Grant, and for Joe Quesada, it's Brian Michael Bendis. Hell, in the past few years(starting with "Avengers Disassembled"), Bendis HAS pretty much rewritten Marvel's history however he's seen fit!