Brightest Day #24! The FINAL Rant!

Well, this is it... The end has finally arrived. With this issue, Brightest Day has finally come to an end, having thoroughly destroyed all of my faith in DC Comics. This has undoubtedly been the worst year DC has ever been through creatively since I've been reading their books, hands down. And you know what the really sad thing is? That it's going to continue... Here's hoping the Green Lantern movie bombs at the theaters and DC finally smartens up and hands somebody besides Chairman Johns the keys to the kingdom. But sadly, I know that's not going to happen... No, Chairman Johns will continue telling stories that amuse him and his boy, Dan Didio, while burying everything that's happened in the DCU between 1985 and 2004. *sigh* Well on that cheerful note, let's get this roving show of HORROR moving! As always, I'll be scoring this comic using Brightest Day Rules, which basically means that I'm expecting this to be the WORST comic I've ever read. As good events/things I like happen, I add points. As dumb events/things I don't like happen, I deduct points... Expect to see A LOT of points deducted...

Brightest Day #24(of 24!!!!! It's finally over!):

Summary: Good thing DC is still holding the line at $2.99, right! Oh wait... Never mind... God, I really don't want to do this... Well, much like pulling off a band-aid, let's do it nice and fast! That Damned White Lantern tells us the story of Swamp Thing(or at least the Chairman Johns version of the story), and explains that Swamp Thing ISN'T Alec Hollard, it just THOUGHT it was... Oh, well then everything makes sense now! Or not... Now Swamp Thing thinks it's Nekron, because it has a REAL bad personality disorder or something. That Damned White Lantern wants to make Swamp Thing and Alec Hollard one and the same(But that was retconned ages ago...) and purge Nekron's influence from Swamp Thing. However, poor old Alec is dead, and in order for him to come back to life, somebody else has to die... Wait, wait, wait... That Damned White Lantern brought back like twelve people at the end of Blackest Night. NOW it can't even bring back ONE?! To that end, it tells Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang to FINALLY throw his boomerang at Dove just as EVIL Swamp Thing invades Starwood Forest. Comically, Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang doesn't want to! HA!!! All he he's had to do is throw that goddamn boomerang and he STILL doesn't want to! This is just insanely bad! After some cajoling from That Damned White Lantern, Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang finally does throw the boomerang at Dove, which is enough to get him his life back... Yeah, THAT was sure worth it. Hawk can't catch the boomerang(SERIOUSLY?! He's had a frigging year to learn how to catch a boomerang!!!) but luckily for Dove, Deadman kind of wanders into the path of the boomerang and dies... Again. Well sure, why not. With Deadman dead again, That Damned White Lantern is able to return Alec to life. For some reason, the trees all wrap around him and he becomes Swamp Thing... Wait, according to this, he was NEVER Swamp Thing before, so why would the trees immediately cling to him as if he was? Anyway, Swamp Thing grows enormous and then, like a scene out of a bad Godzilla movie, Swamp Thing and EVIL Swamp Thing duke it out giant style... I can't believe what I'm reading... Chairman Johns MUST be completely insane by this point... The Swamp Things battle, but Swamp Thing is able to use the powers of the elements to blast EVIL Swamp Thing, weakening it. Swamp Thing then stabs EVIL Swamp Thing, which kills it... Really? That's all it took?!? Back on the ground, Dove is mourning Deadman's death(she shouldn't have been surprised, his name IS Deadman!), while That Damned White Lantern, just to be a jerk I guess, turns Deadman back into a spirit again, thus rendering EVERYTHING that's happened to him this past year completely and utterly pointless. With EVIL Swamp Thing dead, Swamp Thing releases the four elements from... um, inside of him, bringing Aquaman, Firestorm(s), the Martian Manhunter(or Earth Manhunter if you prefer) and Hawkman back to life... But wait! Where's Hawkgirl?! Well, according to Swamp Thing, she's not there, but is a part of the air now... That's almost dumb beyond belief. So she basically DOES what she was supposed to, helps defeat EVIL Swamp Thing and gets the royal shaft?! Yup. And to make matters even worse, That Damned White Lantern tells us that everybody did what they were supposed to do, and as such had earned their second chance at life... Except for Hawk, who didn't catch that boomerang. Instead of, you know, KILLING Hawk since he didn't earn his life, That Damned White Lantern says good-bye to everybody and teleports away... So wait. Hawkgirl DID accomplish her mission and was rewarded by becoming the air(basically dying), while Hawk didn't do squat and is punished by That Damned White Lantern mildly scolding him?!?!?!? With all of that stupidity done with, we move to the epilogue portion of things. Aquaman and Mera have Atlantian problems(surprise, surprise...), the Martian/Earth Manhunter is a swell guy, Hawkman is pissed(and really, why shouldn't he be?!), the Firestorms believe they're going to detonate, and Swamp Thing is attacking and killing business men who polluted the waters... Take THAT big oil! This issue ends with John Constantine looking over the scene of carnage Swamp Thing left behind and succinctly summing up this entire series in one word, “bollocks”

Thoughts: Okay, first things first, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let that be the ONLY time Chairman Johns writes John Constantine. Because I don't think my mind could stand it if Chairman Johns went and destroyed Constantine like he does everything else he touches. Let's get started with a -1 for wasting space with a Swamp Thing origin. That's what Wikipedia is for! -2 for the stupid Captain Universe rip-off with the elementals attacking EVIL Swamp Thing. And a -1 just because there IS an EVIL Swamp Thing! -10 for Captain Boomerang not wanting to throw that boomerang at Dove... I mean the whole POINT of him is that he throws boomerangs!!! +2 for Hawk screwing up and not catching the boomerang, just because it made me laugh. -100 for That Damned White Lantern suddenly being unable to bring Alec Holland back to life without somebody else dying... I mean what the HELL is THAT?! How does that make ANY sense?! Was 12 as many people as it could bring back to life or something?! I mean that just makes NO sense whatsoever! On top of that, I'm going to give another -200 because if Hawk WOULD have caught the boomerang, That Damned White Lantern's plans would have been foiled, since nobody would have died... Seriously, think about that for a second... Somebody had to die to bring Alec back to life, right? Now all Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang had to do was throw the boomerang at Dove, he didn't have to kill her to accomplish his goal. Hawk was supposed to catch the boomerang, which would have saved Dove, thus NOBODY would have died, meaning That Damned White Lantern wouldn't have been able to bring Alec back, meaning EVIL Swamp Thing would have won... You know what, ANOTHER -100 for that huge plot hole. -25 for the Godzilla-esque battle between the two Swamp Things, and a -5 for how easily Swamp Thing killed EVIL Swamp Thing... Can you say anti-climatic? While we're riding the minus train, a -25 for Hawkgirl dying/disappearing/turning to air/whatever happened to her, and another -25 for Hawk not getting punished in the least for not accomplishing his mission! I mean really?! However, a +30 for That Damned White Lantern disappearing, hopefully never to be seen, nor spoken of again. You don't know how much that smart-ass Lantern pissed me off at times... As for the epilogues, a 0 for the Aquaman one, because I could care less, a -2 for the Earth Manhunter one because it was so damn sappy, a +7 for the Hawkman one, because he was really screwed over here, and a +1 for the Firestorm(s) one. As for Swamp Thing, a -3 for his part. So he's a crazed environmentalist murderer now? Um, way to go and protect life, White Lantern... I guess... However, I'm gonna end the scoring of this Brightest Failure(HA!) on a positive note, and go with a +40 for the Constantine appearance at the end. Now if DC screws up Constantine's character, goes and makes him into a kinder/gentler Constantine or something like that, then that +40 becomes a -1,000,000... So there we have it. The end of one of the worst series ever put out by either of the big two. As a matter of fact, I'd easily put Brightest Day right up there with Secret Invasion, which currently holds the top spot as the worst event comic I've ever read. So congratulations DC, you've officially hit rock bottom. On the plus side, the only direction to go now is up. As for me? All I have left to do is tally up the score and I can finally close the book on this train wreck. Too bad DC can't do the same...

Score: -419 out of 10. All right! My lowest score ever! Take a bow, Chairman Johns!I couldn't have said it better myself.

Brightest Day #22 & Brightest Day #23......

God knows I don't want to do this, but I have TWO issues of Brightest Day to read and I've decided that I WILL get through them tonight, come hell, high water or insanity... Being the dedicated blogger that I am, I'm going to grit my teeth and start reading what I'm sure will be absolute garbage... See, after reading 21 other issues of this series, I can confidentially say that I AM going to hate these two comics. The only thing that I can possibly hope is that these issues are so over the top horrible I can get some humor out of them. DC is intent on destroying their company, or at least only seem interested in writing their stories for hardcore DC fanboys/fans of DC's Silver and Golden Age, fans who feel DC can do no wrong. But let me tell you, THAT is a terrible idea, one that I hope bites DC in the ass in the long run. If they think the crap that they're pulling now is going to help them catch Marvel in the sales race, then Chairman Johns and his boy, Dan Didio are both crazy AND stupid. So there you go, my feelings towards Brightest Day and DC in general are right out there in the open. You all know how I feel, so don't be surprised by the negative tone I'm SURE this review is bound to take. As always, I will be reviewing these two comics using Brightest Day rules. In other words, I start the score at zero, and add or subtract points based on just how good, or bad things things in these issues are. Welcome to Brightest Day... Welcome to my nightmare.

Brightest Day #22(of... who cares.):

Summary: The Firestorms wander about the Antimatter universe and eventually discover the Anti-Monitor and the Black Lanterns(including that pain in the ass, Deathstorm) playing around with the White Lantern. Apparently the Anti-Monitor wants to force the White Lantern to create life for him so he could eat it and become more powerful... How very Galactus-esque of him. The Firestorms attack and turn the Anti-Monitor's helmet into a ball of hydrogen and then blow it up... Yeah, somehow I doubt THAT'S gonna stop him... Sure enough, that doesn't stop old Anti, it just pisses him off. The Anti-Monitor blasts the Firestorms, somehow splitting them back to Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch. Oh, and for some reason, Deathstorm, who was basically standing around taunting everybody, releases Professor Stein from his mind. Don't know why, but whatever. The Anti-Monitor gets angry because the White Lantern “took something” from him(um, okay). Deathstorm decides to turn Jason into salt(man is he a one trick pony or what?), and Ronnie jumps in front of the blast... But wait! Prof. Stein, who's way older, and presumably less athletic than Ronnie, manages to jump in front of Ronnie, taking the blast himself... LAME! Jason and Ronnie combine to become Firestorm again and Ronnie tries to figure out a way to reverse Prof. Stein's death by salt. While this is going on, the Anti-Monitor is... um, I don't know what he's doing actually... Let's say he's doing the Batusi, just because. After finishing his dance, the Anti-Monitor decides to attack Deathstorm and the other Black Lanterns, thus proving himself to be a terrible partner. Meanwhile, Prof. Stein decides to have the most dramatic death scene EVER by taking a full FOUR pages to die. The Anti-Monitor must start dancing again, because by the time Stein finally dies(like 37 days later!), Deathstorm and the Black Lanterns are back to taunting Firestorm again... Man, if taunting was an Olympic sport, Deathstorm would take home the silver. I'd naturally take the gold. Firestorm decides he's had enough of Deathstorm's incessant taunting(and really, who can blame him?), and goes to attack, but before he can, the White Lantern destroys all of the Black Lanterns. As for the Anti-Monitor... Let's say he started up the Macarena. With the Black Lanterns destroyed, and the Anti-Monitor dancing the night away, the White Lantern returns Firestorm to Earth and brings him back to life, since Ronnie was able to work together with Jason. Sure, why not. Ronnie demands that the Lantern brings Stein back to life, but the Lantern says hell no. It does decide to tell Firestorm that it wanted to go to the Antimatter Universe because it wanted to collect information from there. Why it decides to tell Firestorm this, especially since it's obvious he could care less, is anyone's guess. This issue ends with the deadly menace of Aliveman sneaking up on the Firestorms telling them to hand over the White Lantern, lest he kills them like he did to those other c-list heroes.

Thoughts: You know what the worst thing about this comic book was? It WASN'T that bad! I mean come on, I read this comic because I KNOW it's gonna suck, so the fact that it was pretty good kind of bummed me out... Jeez, DC can't even do THAT right... Anyway, let's get on with the scoring. We'll start off by giving a +3 to the Anti-Monitor trying to force the White Lantern to create life for him to eat, because it makes sense. Hell, if I had that White Lantern, I'd force it to make me cheeseburgers, all day and all night. -1 to Deathstorm saying “dude” like 25 times this comic. People who say “dude” repeatedly really annoy me... +2 to Firestorm setting the Anti-Monitor's head on fire, just because it was a cool idea. However, I'm going to have to give a -1 to Firestorm literally using a giant cartoon match to set the fire... Where the hell are we in, a Bugs Bunny cartoon?! -1 for Deathstorm simply letting Prof. Stein go for basically no reason, and not bothering to explain why he did it. -3 for Prof. Stein leaping in front of Ronnie, who himself was leaping in front of Jason to intercept Deathstorm's salt blast of utter doom. And a -1 for Deathstorm being so damn uncreative! I mean come on, you already did the whole, “Kill somebody by turning them into salt” trick. Try something else already, “dude”! I'm going to give Prof. Stein's death scene a +5, because it made me laugh so hard... I mean DAMN, that was a Hollywood level death scene right there! He REALLY dragged that out! +5 for the White Lantern killing Deathstorm... Man did I hate that thing... -1 for the White Lantern's bizarre decision to tell Firestorm that it went to the Antimatter Universe for a reason... I mean seriously, Firestorm could care less! Oh, and another -1 for Firestorm crying... What the hell? Is this series being written by Marv Wolfman or something? Because it seems we have somebody crying every single issue, just like during Wolfman's New Teen Titans run... Finally, a -2 for the unbelievably obvious ending... Anybody who DIDN'T see that one coming needs to go back to reading those “I can read!” pre-school books...

Score: 4 out of 10. Wow, that's like a perfect score for an issue of this series!!!So long, Deathstorm... See you in HELL!!!!!


Brightest Day #23(of 24!!! It's ALMOST over!!!!!):

Summary: I can do this... I can do this... Okay, let's get this over with so I can vomit. We begin with bad things happening all over the Earth. Earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, Saint Barry Allen, etc. Well all over the Earth except for Starwood Forest, where Aliveman is preparing to kill Firestorm or strike a dramatic pose at Firestorm. Whatever. It seems the “Dark Avatar” is coming, and the White Lantern needs to prepare its forces in the safety of Starwood Forest. Oh, and Green Arrow is stuck in Starwood for some reason, even though he has NOTHING to do with this whole Brightest Day mess. But whatever. The White Lantern teleports Dove to it, as well as Hawk, who grabbed a hold of her just as she was teleporting. The White Lantern also tells Not Old, Not Fat and Not Bald Captain Boomerang to throw a boomerang at Dove, but doesn't bother to teleport him into Starwood... Whatever, X. Just keep moving on... Don't stop to think about it... Just keep going... From there, the Dark Avatar climbs out of the ground, and I'll be damned if it doesn't look like an enormous version of Swamp Thing... But that doesn't make any sense... But that's what I see. The Dark Avatar(what a lame name...) parades over to Starwood Forest and begins banging on the force field around it, because if it destroys that tree with the White Lantern symbol on it something bad will happen. Since we aren't told exactly what will happen, I'm forced to make up my own story... Um, let's see... If the Dark Avatar manages to eat the White Lantern tree, Darkseid, Britney Spears and Donald Trump will join their dread powers together and the Earth, nay, the ENTIRE universe will cease to exist!!! So you see, that would be bad. While the Dark Avatar is banging out the Spider-Man theme song on the force field, the White Lantern kills Firestorm off. It then resurrects Firestorm as the fire elemental, the Martian Manhunter as the earth elemental(even though he's from Mars..........), Aquaman as the crying water elemental, and Hawkman AND Hawkgirl as the air elemental(s). Wait a minute, why are there TWO air elementals?! Meh. Never mind... The elementals attack the Dark Avatar, while Aliveman, Hawk and Dove are told to protect the White Lantern Tree, since it is the Parliament of Trees... Oh god... It IS Swamp Thing... From there, the body of Alec Holland climbs out from underneath the White Lantern Tree, and is pronounced Earth's Ultimate Savior...

Thoughts: Crap on a crutch... I can't BELIEVE this entire mini-series was building towards the return of frigging SWAMP THING! I mean REALLY?! That is a letdown like no other. I mean SWAMP THING?! I can't... I don't... I mean what is there to even say?! It's Swamp Thing. I can't believe this whole thing set up the return of Swamp Thing... I'm in shock. Okay, before I throw my laptop across the room or something, let me score this issue so I can go and read some Marvel comics to get the taste of THIS one out of my mouth. First things first, I promised JT I'd give this comic a -10 right off the bat, and I'm a man of my word. So we get started with a -10 for JT. From there, we get another -10 because I had to see that bastard, Saint Barry Allen. -2 for Green Arrow being stuck in Starwood Forest, even though he has NOTHING to do with this entire boondoggle. Another -2 for having to see Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang. -3 for the White Lantern telling Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang to throw a boomerang at Dove... Are you kidding me?! He's had a goddamn YEAR to throw that frigging boomerang and he STILL hasn't?!? Unbelievable... Oh yeah, and ANOTHER -3 for Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang STILL not having thrown the boomerang in THIS comic! What the HELL is he waiting for?!? A written invitation?! THROW THE DAMN BOOMERANG ALREADY!!! *sigh* -10 for the Dark Avatar apparently being a corrupted version of Swamp Thing. Now I'm sure all ten of Swamp Thing's fans will be pleased, but everybody else? Probably not. Hey, another -10 for NO John Constantine appearance here! What the hell is that?! Constantine and Swamp Thing are close, and Constantine would have made this comic at least bearable... John Constantine is awesome... Where was I? Oh yeah, this sucky comic. -1 for Firestorm's death, because really, who DIDN'T see that coming? -10 for the whole stupid Earth elementals thing... What the hell is this, an episode of Captain Planet?!? And a few more things... -2 for the fact that there are TWO air elementals... How does that make ANY sense? Why couldn't the air elemental have been EITHER Hawkman OR Hawkgirl? Making it both of them was just dumb. Speaking of dumb, let's give a -30 for the Martian Manhunter being the earth elemental. How in the blue HELL does it make sense that the MARTIAN Manhunter is the elemental of earth? I mean MARTIAN is in his NAME!!! He's from MARS! And yet he's the EARTH elemental!!! ARGH!!!!! And then there was the end. With Alec Holland(Swamp Thing) being revealed as Earth's Ultimate Savior... Swamp Thing has never been what you'd call a mainstream DC character, I always saw him as more of a Vertigo type guy(like Constantine), but I guess that genius Chairman Johns has decreed that Swamp Thing will now be the most important character in the DCU. For that, I say -25. This was as disappointing a comic as I've ever read. Oh well, at least Brightest Day ends next issue and I'll never again have to think about this whole ordeal ever again. Man, I have a lot of negative numbers to add up now... Let's see just how low this score is gonna be...

Score: -118 out of 10. I'm literally at a loss for words...Yup...

Again?!? Brightest Day #21 of ∞ + 390,986

Normally I get all depressed and pissy when I know I have to read and review an issue of Brightest Day, but I've FINALLY figured out a way to solve that dilemma! Instead of sticking the latest issue of Brightest Day at the bottom of my comic pile and then feeling that sense of dread and disappointment build up over the course of the week as I grow closer and closer to it, I've decided to simply read this garbage first and get it out of the way. It's like ripping a band-aid off quickly as opposed to slowly pulling it off over the course of a week or two. Not only that, but once I'm done with this review, I plan on reading the third volume of the mind-blowingly great Y: The Last Man as a way to rid my mind of the mental anguish that I'm sure this comic will inflict upon me. As always, I'll be reviewing this using Brightest Day rules. That means I start reading this comic figuring it'll be the worst thing I've ever read, and adding or subtracting points as I see things I like or dislike. Will this comic finish above or below 0?!? Let's get started and find out!

Brightest Day #21(of ∞ + 390,986):

Summary: We get started with the Atom wondering where his good buddy Hawkman went. From there we head to... REALLY?!? Goddamn Saint Barry Allen and an assortment of DC heroes clearing the beach where Aquaman battled last issue. Goddamn Saint Barry begins to talk, so I begin to turn pages rapidly. The scene switches to Mars, meaning I can begin reading again! I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing though... Anyway, the Martian Manhunter is mad at D'Kay, the evil female green Martian. They yell and fight for a while until MM gets a mental flash from Earth(all the way from Mars?!?) of people feeling widespread panic. MM decides to help the people of Earth by flying into the sun to kill both himself and D'Kay... Well I have to say, that plan has some major holes in it! For some reason committing suicide was what MM needed to do to satisfy That Damned White Lantern, so it brings him back to life(AGAIN!), and MM heads to Earth to save people and stuff. Aliveman then appears before MM and That Damned White Ring decides to dissolve MM into the Earth, killing him(I guess)... AGAIN!!!

Thoughts: I honestly think I just lost several braincells just by reading this! What the HELL has happened to Chairman Johns?!? I mean he used to be far and away one of the best three comic writers out there. Now he's like... number 58 or so. I know that Peter Tomasi also has a hand writing this mess, but we ALL know who the mastermind is. *sigh* Let's get to the scoring, which I suspect will be VERY low... We start this one off with the OLD Atom, which automatically makes me deduct -3 points in the memory of Ryan Choi. And then Goddamn Saint Barry shows up, thus costing this issue -25 points. AND THEN Goddamn Saint Barry talks, costing this comic another -25 points. However, since Goddamn Saint Barry only appeared on two pages, I'll add +2 points. Oh, and another -15 points for Superman saying, “If Hal was here--”... Are you serious?! You have Batman, Cyborg, Mr. Terrific, and several other super-smart DC characters standing around and Superman is wishing HAL THE GREAT was there?!? Is Chairman Johns THAT in love with HAL THE GREAT that he has to at least MENTION him in every comic he writes now?! Good God... Moving on, I'll give the fight on Mars a 0, because I could care less about it one way or the other. -2 for the Martian Manhunter killing himself to defeat D'Kay... Was suicide the ONLY thing he could come up with to beat D'Kay?!? -3 for That Damned White Lantern bringing MM back to life after he offed himself... I mean should he REALLY be rewarded for committing suicide? Finally a -5 for That Damned White Ring killing MM RIGHT AFTER it brought him back to life! How does that make any sense at all?! I'm simply astonished by just how bad a comic this was. I mean literally astonished. I actually sat back when I was done reading this and was stunned by the utter stupidity of it all... Well, all that's left to do is add up the score. At least I can be POSITIVE that everything I read for the rest of the week HAS to be better than this was!

Score: -76 out of 10. Well, it appears Brightest Day's streak of positive scores ended at a rather impressive 1 issue... Next issue: Goddamn Saint Barry takes command of the heroes! Superman begs the gods above to return HAL THE GREAT to Earth! Firestorm dies, then comes back to life, then dies, then comes back to life, then is split into two Firestorms, they both end up dying, at which point they return to life in one body again, and then they die again!!! Smell the excitement!!!!!!Oh no! The Martian Manhunter has died! Don't worry though, he'll be back by the next page. Although he's just going to wind up dying again...

Brightest Day #20 and Green Lantern #62.

Well, I've put it off for over a week now. I think it's high time I finally got this over with. Yes X-Maniacs, it's time for... *shudder* my Brightest Day review... As most of you know, I hate everything about Brightest Day. Everything! But although I hate Brightest Day, I do enjoy doing reviews for it... It's always fun to tear something you can't stand to pieces and my Brightest Day reviews have become cathartic to me. Go figure. Besides the Brightest Day review, I'm also going to review the most recent issue of Green Lantern, or as it's better known as; Chairman Johns' love letter to... well himself. Since I now passionately hate everything written by our beloved Chairman, I'll be scoring BOTH of these comics using Brightest Day Rules. For the uninitiated, When I score something using Brightest Day Rules I figure whatever I'll be reading will be the WORST thing I have EVER read, and as such start the comic out at a 0. If things I enjoy happen(say Saint Barry Allen getting beheaded), I add points to the score. If bad/dumb/nonsensical things happen(like Aquaman crying over his lopped off hand), I deduct points. Makes sense to me! One more thing, if you're a DC fanboy, a fan of Chairman Johns or Geoff Johns himself, you should stop reading now. Seriously, you won't like this review! Then again, if you ARE Chairman Johns keep reading... Okay, enough with the intro, let's commence the mental torture!!!

Brightest Day #20(of ∞):

Summary: It's an all-Aquaman BONANZA!!! Aqualad prevents Black Manta from killing Sad Aquaman, so Manta decides to kill Aqualad for his transgression. Unfortunately for Manta(but fortunately for DC's animation department), Mera and Aquagirl... um, 3? 4? 8? Oh I don't know... Let's just say the current Aquagirl arrive on the scene to deal with Manta and his EVIL Atlantian allies. Aqualad cauterizes Sad Aquaman's boo-boo and Sad Aquaman takes the battle to the EVIL Atlantians. Mera realizes that since there were only 4 good guys and 100 bad guys they PROBABLY wouldn't be able to win the battle(now that's good, logical thinking!), so she creates a giant wave to drag the EVIL Atlantians back into the ocean. The Aqua-family follows suit and somehow Aqualad opens a portal back to the Bermuda Triangle and sends the EVIL Atlantians, as well as that cad Black Manta back to their prison. The Aquas are happy at this sudden, and completely out of the blue turn of events and celebrate. Or at least they do until Aliveman shows up and That Damned White Ring kills Sad Aquaman. Kills him good!

Thoughts: Okay, what do we have here... First off, +3 for DC actually dedicating the ENTIRE issue to one story! I don't know about anyone else, but I'd rather read one linear story as opposed to 31 different stories in the same comic. +2 for Manta trying to kill Aqualad, because that's what a good arch-enemy SHOULD do! -1 for the all too obvious eventual Aqualad/Aquagirl relationship... If you wanted a Aqualad/Aquagirl relationship, DC, then you shouldn't have killed off the Garth and Tula!!! -1 for Black Manta claiming he “gutted” Aquababy... That's not even CLOSE to the truth! -2 for Sad Aquaman crying AGAIN! What the hell is up with him?!? +3 for Sad Aquaman sending a horde of dead sea life after the EVIL Atlantians, because let's face it, NOBODY wants to be eaten by a dead shark. +1 for Sad Aquaman kissing Mera, because that's another pic for my other blog! And -1 for Sad Aquaman not getting a chance to cry at the end of when That Damned White Ring killed him... I mean crying is his gimmick now! How does he die and not get to unleash a torrent of waterworks?! So after some addition and subtraction we get a final score of...

Score: 4 out of 10. Hey, that's a HUGE improvement over last issue's -356! Good job!Look! He's crying again!!!


Green Lantern #62: It's written by our Lord and Savior, Chairman Johns, so it MUST be good!!!

Summary: Krona attacks Hal Jordan The Great or as he's better known as, “He Who Has Never Done Anything Wrong Because He Was Possessed, Dammit!!!” to start this train wreck out. During Hal The Great and Krona's battle we get some snippets of who Krona is and what his major malfunction is. Eventually Krona gets the better of Hal The Great, but not before Hal The Great gets a good shot in on Krona because he's, you know, Great. The other members of the Lite-Brite Brigade(ROLL CALL!!! Saint Walker! Larfleeze! Indigo-1! Atrocitus!) attack Krona but get their asses handed to them, which makes sense since Krona controls the entities that power the members of the Lite-Brite Brigade... Gee, maybe they should have realized that... Anyway, Krona manages to steal the Rage entity away from Atrocitus, which gives him the full collection of Lite-Brite entities. Krona blasts the Lite-Briters into unconsciousness and leaves, at which time we get a glimpse into the future(um, why?) where it appears one of the Green Lanterns of the Earth sector dies... Grr... Anyway, Hal wakes up, blows off Saint Barry, Batman and Superman and decides to leave Earth with his Lite-Brite Brigade buddies to hunt down Krona and... um, let's say give Krona a severe scolding when they find him.

Thoughts: God help me I HATE this series! I mean hate it with every fiber of my being! If I were to run out of toilet paper THIS would be the first thing I bring into the bathroom with me! Thankfully I only have one or two more issues of this garbage left on my subscription before I can turn my back on this series forever. Forever!!! Well, let's get the scoring done so I can burn this comic book... Right off the bat a -1 because Hal Jordan was in this comic. Continuing along those lines we'll give a -25 because of Saint Barry was here. I will give a +5 for Hal telling Saint Barry not to run because it was so funny... I mean Hal, I don't know if you realize this, but running(and screwing over Wally West) is all Saint Barry can do! -2 for Hal actually injuring Krona because it made NO SENSE! How the hell can you harm a Guardian of the Universe with a GL ring?! Not only that, but how can you harm Krona with willpower when he controls the Ion entity?!? Dumb. -5 for Larfleeze appearing, but a +2 for Hector Hammond tearing into the minds of Hal and the Lite-Brite Brigade, just because it caused Hal pain. +10 for Krona knocking all of the useless members of the Lite-Brite Brigade out. -10 for Larfleeze talking, but +20 for Batman calling Hal out for being an asshole. And finally, -50 for Hal stating the he was possessed by Parallax... No Chairman Johns, Hal WASN'T possessed by Parallax. He went insane and became a villain NAMED Parallax. Retcon it all you want, I'll NEVER accept it. Jesus, what an ass Geoff Johns must be to crap all over the work of other writers just to push his(and Dan Didio's) personal favorite characters at the expense of everything that had been done. I hope like HELL that 20 years from now some writer just retcons EVERYTHING Johns has done these past 10 years because that would be SO fitting. Let's get the math work done so I can end this post and read a comic that is actually good...

Score: -56 out of 10. The second lowest score I've ever given a comic book. And you know what? It sure as hell deserved it.I had to pick some page from this comic, I might as well pick this one.

Brightest Day #18 AND Brightest Day #19(of 1,029,534,876,564,928)

I think I've put it off for long enough... I mean, this is akin to getting a root canal while having your appendix removed... WITHOUT anesthesia! Yes X-Maniacs, I'm ready to... God, it's hard to even type the words out... *sigh* I'm ready to review not one, but TWO issues of Brightest Day... May god have mercy on my soul, because I know Chairman Johns and DC sure as hell won't! As usual, I'll be reviewing these two comics using “Brightest Day Rules.” What exactly does that mean you ask? Before I even open up any issue of Brightest Day I expect it to be the WORST thing I've ever had the misfortune of reading, and as such the comic starts out with a score of 0. Depending on each scene, I'll add or deduct points, meaning it's conceivable for one of these comics to have a final score in the negative numbers! It hasn't happened yet, but hey, each issue of this “masterpiece” is another opportunity for that vaunted negative score. Okay, I've locked the doors and windows, put on some soothing music and cried for an hour. I think I'm ready to begin this review...

Brightest Day #18

Review: We start off with two of Chairman Johns' FAVORITE villains, Not Old, Not Bald, and Not Fat Captain Boomerang and Captain Cold having a lover's quarrel over Capt. Boomerang rescuing Reverse-Flash(Chairman Johns' FAVORITE villain)from prison. What and ever. From there, Deadman calls Dove and whines that his White Lantern ring was powering up, because apparently Deadman never expected a POWER ring to POWER-up. From there we head to Zamaron where Hawkman and Hawkgirl kill Hawkgirl's Predator possessed mother, thus FINALLY freeing them from the curse and simplifying their history for the first time EVER! By this point Deadman's ring has fully charged and he flies away. Hawkman and Hawkgirl teleport to the “one place on Earth” they'd most want to be together and wind up in a museum... Wow, how romantic... Finally free of their convoluted history, they decide to lose their clothes and play naked twister. What? Maybe that's how they get their freak on. Before Hawkman can pull out the spinner(ugh!), Deadman, or I guess his White Lantern counterpart, Aliveman, arrives on the scene to... well, apparently to point his ring at them and stare. Hawkman is naturally alarmed by Aliveman's appearance(plus he probably doesn't want to play naked twister with another dude around), and Aliveman explains that he's not in control of himself, but that the ring is controlling him... Suuuuuure it is Aliveman... That annoying White Lantern Ring tells the Hawks that they are supposed to service the big, super, spectacular, amazing, fantastic, astonishing, STILL unnamed White Lantern champion, which runs counter to Hawkman's naked twister plans, leading to Hawkman telling the Ring to get lost. The ring responds by disintegrating the Hawks, ending this issue.

Thoughts: Okay, now for the fun part! That first scene with Cold and Boomerang earns -5 points because it made me think of Saint Barry... I had no qualms about Deadman's initial scene, so I'll give it a pity +1. The stuff on Zamaron was actually pretty good AND served a purpose, getting rid of Hawkgirl's evil mother and FINALLY getting rid of that curse on the Hawks, so I'll give the whole mess a +5. However, -1 point for the Hawk's deciding the most romantic place they could go was a museum... Another -1 for Deadman freaking out about his ring reaching 100% charge... I mean come on, he HAD to have seen that coming! +2 for Deadman acting like a creepy voyeur, and -3 for DC killing off the Hawks AFTER fixing their damned confusing history! Seriously, what the hell is THAT all about! Finally, +3 points for me repeatedly abusing the phrase, “Naked Twister.” So after some addition and subtraction, this issue of Brightest Day ends up with a......

Score: 1 out of 10. Well, at least that's better than a 0...It's only going to get worse from here, Aliveman...

Brightest Day #19

Review: We get started with Deadman... Oops, I mean Aliveman complaining to the White Lantern Ring about it killing Hawkman and Hawkgirl. The Ring pretty much tells Deadman to shut up so it can tell him a story... Oh god no... The Ring's story made my head hurt, so I'm not even going to TRY to fully explain it. Basically, the Earth has a soul and humanity is... um, corrupting it somehow or something. Anyway, by having the twelve returned characters do twelve random things, this somehow leads to their life force becoming purified. Oh, and Starwood Forest can't be destroyed by the “Dark Avatar” before the “Champion” has risen or some real bad stuff will happen. The skies will turn neon green, children will eat live puppies, chickens will take revenge on farmers and the Earth will explode. Like I said, bad stuff would happen. After that lovely news, we head ♫Under Da Sea♫ where Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad are talking about stuff. You know, girls and the ocean and stuff. Hey, what else would YOU talk to the bastard son of your archenemy about? Anyway, those EVIL water-magic Atlantians suddenly attack Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad and knock them ♫Out of Da Sea♫ thanks to Aliveman and his EVIL Ring freeing the EVIL Atlantians from the Bermuda Triangle. Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad move to rescue as many people from the beach as they can, while trying not to get killed. That sounds like a good strategy to me. The leader of the EVIL Atlantians, Siren, taunts Aquaman by telling him that she had captured and killed Mera off-panel(well she doesn't actually say “off-panel”). Aquaman responds to this news like any rational fishman would, by slowly reaching a hand at Siren and threatening to kill her... That-a-boy, Aquaman, slowly grab at her! Unfortunately, Aquaman's grabbing hand gets chopped off by Black Manta, which makes Aquaman cry... That's right, he CRIED! Aquaman's crying mercifully ends this disaster.

Thoughts: My GOD was this terrible! And NOT in a good way! Okay, let's get to the scoring. Right off the bat we'll go with a -7 for that HORRIBLE story the White Ring told Aliveman... Purifying random b and c-list hero's(and villain's)life forces to save the Earth's soul and/or Starwood Forest from the DREADED(but never mentioned before this issue)Dark Avatar... What? Really?! From there -1 for The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad coming across as a TOTAL loser by telling Aquaman a story about his girlfriend screwing other guys, while he did her homework and got no action... How the HELL is THAT supposed to make him look good!? I'll give the beginning of the fight between Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad against the EVIL Atlantians a +2 because the EVIL Atlantians used the phrase, “Death to the Air-Breathers,” thus proving that they were indeed EVIL. However, -100 points for Black Manta chopping off Aquaman's hand, and -250 points for Aquaman responding by CRYING over it... What the HELL kind of a hero CRIES when he gets injured?!? Cripes, that Risk guy got his arm pulled off by Superboy Prime and he didn't cry, and he's a TOTAL loser! On top of all that, why in the world would you chop off Aquaman's hand? I mean I just can't rationalize that in any way... If you wanted to keep the superior Aquaman from the 1990's around, then why the HELL did they bring back the Silver Age version?? That would be like if Marvel broke up the marriage of Peter Parker and Mary Jane, and then had them get married again, IMMEDIATELY AFTER they broke them up! Why retcon Aquaman's hand getting chopped off only to CHOP IT OFF AGAIN?! To make Aquaman hate Black Manta even more? Manta MURDERED Aquaman's infant son, I doubt having Manta take Aquaman's hand as well is going to make Manta somehow MORE hated by Aquaman! Okay, let's get that final score tallied up so I can put this post to bed...

Score: -356 out of 10... Hmm... That sure is a unique score... Well, it's my blog, and I make the rules, so if I feel like giving a comic book a -356 out of 10, so be it!Jeez, be a man and walk it off you big baby...

Brightest Day #17(of 564,271,834,728)

All right, it's time for me to take a look at the most recent issue of Brightest Day! The one comic I dread reading the most every two weeks... As always, I'll be reviewing this comic using Brightest Day Rules, meaning I start out imagining this will be the worst comic I've ever read, and adding or subtracting points as we shift scenes.

Review: We kick off with the Firestorms realizing they didn't destroy the DCU(no, that distinction Geoff Johns and Dan Didio), but instead were transported to the Anti-Matter Universe to find the captive White Lantern Battery. We then move to Dove and Deadman, who have apparently become an item... Um, is this the same Dove who was mortified at a strip club in a recent issue of Birds of Prey?! Anyway, the Deadman stuff ends when he takes his 98 year old grandfather on a motorcycle ride. Finally we get the denizens of Hawkworld attacking the Star Sapphire world of Zamaron. Carol Ferris leads the battle against the Hawkworlders, and we finish things off with Hawkgirl's mother being possessed by the entity of love, the bizarrely named Predator.

Thoughts: Right off the bat I'll give the Firestorm portion of the story a 2, mainly because I didn't have to suffer through any of Deathstorm's lame dialogue. From there it's a -1 for Dove sleeping with Deadman, because that is SO out of her established character. When did she become a whore?! I'll give the stuff between Deadman and his grandfather a 2 because it was okay, if incredible hokey. Finally, ANYTHING concerning Hawkworld gets an automatic -2. After some adding and subtracting we wind up with a final score of...

Score: 1 out of 10. Well, at least it wasn't a zero... Yet.The Firestorms talk and do stuff.

Brightest Day #16...

Yes, this is indeed one of my dreaded Brightest Day reviews. As such, we'll be doing this review using what I like to call, “Brightest Day Rules”... What are Brightest Day Rules? Basically I start off reading this comic figuring it's going to be the worst thing I've ever read, so the score starts off at a 0. As I continue reading, I add or subtract points depending on what I see. Is that a biased system? Hell yeah it is, but my blog, my rules. With all that said, let's get this torture started!!!

Review: We begin with Aquaman bringing the new Aqualad and his adopted parents into one of Aquaman's little underwater hidey-holes. Aquaman tells Aqualad that his parents can stay ♪under da sea♪ and the two head off. From there we head to the JLA Watchtower, where Dr. Midnite and the Silver Age Atom are trying to figure out what's the matter with the Firestorms. Bottom line, they decide to call in Metamorpho... Yeah, that's EXACTLY who I'd call in to help. Black Lantern Firestorm plays mind games with the loved ones of the Firestorms, just because he can. Meanwhile, Aquaman brings Aqualad to some secret cave, where Aqualad is given a message from Mera, telling him about his heritage. Basically he was taken as an infant and experimented on by Mera's people, who wanted him to be able to open a portal in the Bermuda Triangle for some reason... Okaaay then. Aquaman tells Aqualad that he had a responsibility, Aqualad disagrees, they fight, and it all gets smoothed over by Aquaman. Back at the Watchtower, the Firestorms argue(because they're morons)and destroy the universe(if only...)ending this issue.

Thoughts: Okay, let's get into the scoring of this comic! The first scene wasn't that bad, so I'll give it a 1. The second scene contained Congorilla, meaning it automatically gets a -2. Since BL Firestorm(or Deathstorm if you prefer)annoyed me with his idiotic dialogue, I'll give his scene a -1. The Aqualad origin scene was a bit confusing, but not that bad, so I'll give it a 2. The Aquaman/Aqualad fight served no purpose, so it gets a 0. The Firestorms blowing up the DC Universe made me happy, so that gets a 3. Now if only the DCU would stay destroyed until somebody other then GEOFF “Silver Age” Johns was put in charge, it would all be good! So let's see, I have some math to do, annnnd...

Score: 3 out of 10.So long DCU. See you in HELL!!!!!

Oh no! It's Brightest Day #15!!!

Brightest Day #15: After some thought, I've decided to give this comic a score of: 0 out of 10.

Hmm, wait... I guess I should at least READ the comic before I rip it, shouldn't I? *sigh* Well, let's see if this comic rises above the 0 I predict it will earn...

This comic takes place entirely in the Martian Manhunter's mind, pretty much making it a pointless exercise. D'Kay, the EVIL green Martian manipulates MM's mind, making him believe Mars had been reborn(Mars: Rebirth, coming to comic book store near you soon!), he had become a member of the JLA and GLC and that he was happy. Then for some reason everybody in the JLA dies. However, Saint Barry Allen is decapitated, thereby bumping this comic's score up to at least a 2! Ahh how I could stare at that image of a headless Saint Barry forever... Beautiful... Anyway, MM figures out that something was wrong, or maybe D'Kay fills him in, I'm not really sure, nor do I care, which leads to MM attacking D'Kay. From there we head to the blue Starman and Congorilla playing chess at the JLA headquarters... CONGORILLA?! Well now we have to subtract a 1 from the final score because that retched fleabag appeared! Where was I... Oh yeah... This issue ends with Firestorm appearing before the two “Justice Leaguers” and I use that term as loosely as possible, to tell them that he was about to destroy the universe.

Well, I guess this could have been worse... I mean this comic could have given me a paper-cut that led to an infection and my subsequent death, so yeah, things definitely COULD have been worse. As it was this was another(in a long line)of Brightest Day comics I just don't care about. An entire issue spent in the Martian Manhunter's mind?? Congorilla playing chess?! Nah, I pass.

As for a score, we started out at 0, but I added 2 because of Saint Barry being beheaded... BUT I then proceeded to take away a 1 because I had to see Congorilla... So after some complicated mathematics, the score of this comic MUST be... Score: 1 out of 10.Now THAT is a welcome sight!!

Brightest Day #14, The Final Rant?

Overall: Hide the women and children, it's time for yet another Brightest Day review!!! Deadman(or if you prefer, Aliveman)rushes through Gotham to find Batman since he's decided(for reasons unknown)that Batman MUST be who the White Lantern Ring has been searching for. So Deadman interrupts a robbery and forces the ring to join with Bats. When this happens Deadman gets shot by some thug. Bet you wish you kept the White Ring now, don't ya smart guy? From there Deadman begins to relive moments from his past and decides he doesn't want to be dead anymore, even though he's been bitching about being alive since this godforsaken series began. Make up your frigging mind, man! Once Deadman decides he wants to live again, the ring returns to him and scolds him for trying to pass his White Lantern duties off to Batman. You know, if I had that annoying-ass ring on my finger I think I'd rather stay dead... Batman doesn't bother to stick around to discover what the flaming hell had just happened(probably because he realized this comic sucked too), but does seem to remember who Max Lord was after his contact with the White ring. Oh, and Deadman and Dove begin swapping spit for some reason.

Well, that's it for me folks! I am finished! I just can't take it anymore! My well of forgiveness in regards to this series has FINALLY run dry. Yes, you read that correctly, my well of forgiveness is dry!!! This is the LAST Brightest Day review I will EVER post! Yep, the last......... Oh who am I kidding? We ALL know that isn't true. Yes, I dread reading this series. I hate ALL of the stories running through it. ALL of them! Whenever I buy a new issue I die just a little bit more on the inside. BUT, I have a BLAST ripping it! I mean, it's almost cathartic for me. So while I'm actually reading this junk, I'm a very angry individual, but tearing it to pieces on this blog actually makes it all worthwhile! So I'm done trying to look at this series objectively. I'm just going to read the rest of the series, curse myself for wasting my time/money, and then write the most sarcastic and scathing review I possibly can. So there you go. You've been duly warned. From this point forward, it's open season on Brightest Day, and I am coming after it in a goddamn tank, baby!

Score: 0 out of 10.If a magical ring appeared on my finger and made me dress like that I'd scream too!

A Rant on Brightest Day #13

Overall: *sigh* I've been avoiding this comic all last week, but before I read my new books, I guess I should get this out of the way... The only real question I have before reading this is just how bad will things get this issue? So this issue dealt ENTIRELY with the Hawkman/Hawkgirl/Hawkworld story... Which is the story I care the least about(which is actually saying something!)in this series. Hawkman runs around attacking evil hawkmen until one of them tells him where Hawkgirl is. Hawkgirl is being tortured by her mother and Hath-Set. They put her on a big gateway of bones, and this draws out Hawkman. Hawkman tries and fails to defeat Hawkgirl's evil mother, but Hawkgirl manages to kill Hath(even though she was pinned to the gateway by her hands). Hawkgirl's mother sticks Hawkman onto the gateway with Hawkgirl, and this act somehow opens a portal from Hawkworld to the Star Sapphire's homeworld of Zamaron. Why there? Who cares? Oh, and Deadman and Dove spend the last two pages of this issue trying to figure out who the White Lantern ring has been looking for, with Deadman figuring that maybe it's Bruce Wayne. Why does he think this? Who cares?

Who cares? Not I obviously. This issue was bad, this mini-series is bad, and DC's current direction is bad. But before people begin to bitch and moan about what I just typed, remember, that's simply a matter of opinion. What's NOT a matter of opinion is the fact that Marvel's comics sell much better than DC's books. Don't believe me? Check out the monthly sales charts and see which company has more books in the top 25. And people actually have the nerve to wonder why DC is(and probably always will be)second fiddle to Marvel.

Score: 2 out of 10.Well, at least the artwork was good...

Brightest Day #12

Hey, it's my 400th post of the year! And what better way to celebrate that momentous milestone than with a review of one of the worst mini-series to come out of DC in years, Brightest Day!? Enjoy... If you dare!!! MWA-HAHAHAHA!!!

Overall: This issue was very Martian Manhunter heavy, with a touch of Firestorm thrown in. I'll start with the Firestorm story first, since it was quicker. The Firestorms decide to chase after Deathstorm and his newly recreated Black Lantern Corp, which is fine by Deathstorm since he holds a major numbers advantage. Before we get any kind of action, the voice in Deathstorm's head(Nekron? Anti-Monitor? Deadpool? Pikachu?)tells him to ignore the Firestorms and to get the White Lantern(whoever or whatever that is)instead. As for the Martian Manhunter, he heads to Mars where he is forced to battle that evil female Martian(whose name is D'Kay D'Razz in case you care). D'Kay wants to restart the Martian race with J'onn, but J'onn refuses to have sexual relations with that woman, Miss D'Razz(heh heh), because she's evil and I don't know, ugly I guess. Anyway, the two Martians battle, with D'Kay taking the battle to J'onn's mind, where he is forced to confront the JLA. J'onn shakes D'Kay's influence and beats her into the ground, until all of the dead Martians on Mars come back to life(huh?). J'onn is reunited with his family and it feels so good, but alas, it's a mental trick D'Kay was playing on J'onn, and this issue concludes with J'onn embracing D'Kay, who he believes to be his wife.

This was a weird comic for me. There were parts that were just horrid, like D'Kay's lame origin(she made herself forget she was ever a Martian, but remembered she was a Martian when J'onn came back? Zuh??), but there were other parts that were... I wouldn't say good, so I'll say less horrid. The actual fight between J'onn and D'Kay was alright, and the Firestorm stuff was okay I guess(even though I'm SO sick of their dumb “Odd Couple” dynamic already), but as usual, this comic disappointed me. The end was especially pathetic, considering J'onn had been honing his telepathy for YEARS, while D'Kay had locked her telepathy away while she lived like a human. I'm supposed to believe that D'Kay, who'd have to be considered a lapsed telepath at best, was powerful to defeat J'onn, who's shown he's one of the most powerful telepaths in the DCU? No way! How much longer is this mini going to go on??

Score: 3 1/2 out of 10.Hmm, who knew J'onn was so stupid...

Brightest Day #11

Overall: This issue mainly revolves around the Firestorms, with a little bit of Aquaman thrown in for good measure. First up the Aquaman stuff, since it was pretty simple. Aquaman and Black Manta fight, which buys the Aqualad some time to get his adopted father to safety. Eventually Aquaman throws Manta in front of a truck, gathers Aqualad and his old man, gets in the truck and drives away, leaving Manta standing in the background. The Firestorm stuff was WAY more convoluted, but I'll do my best to make sense of it. The evil Black Lantern Firestorm(who is now calling himself Deathstorm)absorbs Prof. Stein and Jason Rusch's father to mess with the two Firestorms. Deathstorm then heads to the White Lantern Power Battery, picks it up and summons Black Lantern versions of all of the characters who came back to life at the end of Blackest Night at the behest of some unseen force. Oh, and for some reason Mars has a forest in the shape of the Black Lantern symbol on it, which the Martian Manhunter isn't overly pleased about.

What the bloody hell was this all about?!? So Deathstorm is still around because the other two Firestorms won't let him go? What does that even mean?? They secretly want their evil Black Lantern counterpart hanging around? And what's up with Deathstorm being able to lift the White Lantern Power Battery by “corrupting” it? Was that really all it took to pick that damn thing up? And are we supposed to believe that it was Nekron's voice guiding Deathstorm's actions? Because if that's the case, he sure didn't bother staying “dead” for long. One more thing, did we really need the Black Lanterns to return ALREADY??? I mean Blackest Night ended what, 6 months back tops? DC is already bringing back these characters? We couldn't even wait a year before the Black Lanterns return? With the Black Lanterns and apparently Nekron back already, what exactly did the end of Blackest Night accomplish? Besides that we had the Black Manta/Aquaman fight which ended with Aquaman throwing Manta into a truck and then proceeding to drive away in said truck while Manta stood there watching perplexed. Way to take care of your enemy Aquaman... On top of that, Manta tells Aquaman during their fight that when he gutted Aquaman's infant son the kid whimpered. Umm, when the hell did THAT happen? I recall Manta leaving Arthur Jr to suffocate in a glass bubble. He never gutted the kid! Can't the writers of this crap even be bothered to get their facts straight?? As for the Black Lantern symbol on Mars, why not I guess... I'm through trying to figure out this comic.

Score: 4 out of 10.You know, it's stuff like this that causes comic fans to think Aquaman is so weak.

Quick Thoughts on: Brightest Day #10

Brightest Day #10(of 1,986,875,126): Writers: GEOFF(1959 4 Life!)Johns & Peter Tomasi. Artists: Lots of people.

Quick Thoughts: Here we discover that the Firestorms have to work together and not argue with one another or else the universe will end!!!!!! It's like the Odd Couple, but with powers! Oh yeah, plus Blackest Night Firestorm is also still a part of the Firestorms for some reason. From there Black Manta hunts down Aqualad and reveals that he is the boy's true father(WOW, who didn't see THAT one coming???). Before Manta can kill Aqualad's adopted dad, Aquaman steps in to face Manta.

*Yawn* Boring. Don't care about any of this stuff anymore. If you want to read some cheer leading, “rah-rah-rah, Brightest Day is Grrreat!!” stuff, look elsewhere. In my honest opinion, this mini is the perfect cure for insomnia, although I suspect it may also cause madness, so it's a mixed bag.

Score: 5 out of 10.So Aqualad is Manta's son... Yeah, NOBODY could see that coming...

Quick Thoughts on: Brightest Day #9

Brighest Day #9(of 700,934,276): Writers: GEOFF(1959!!!)Johns & Peter Tomasi. Artists: Lots of people.

Quick Thoughts: The Martian Manhunter arrives in Starwood Forest(get it??)and goes insane, trying to burn it down. Green Arrow says nuts to that and halts the mad Martians attack. Eventually MM realizes that Starwood Forest wasn't the forest he was supposed to burn down, so he leaves for Mars. Meanwhile, Black Manta and the evil Atlantians decide that they should try to find the new Aqualad before Aquaman does.

Ugh... This is STILL going on?!? By this point every story in this “event”(and I use that term VERY loosely)annoys me, and if not for my compulsive need to collect this full series, I'd have dropped this issues ago.

Score: 4 out of 10.The Martian Manhunter: a menace to trees everywhere.

Picto-Review: Brightest Day #8

Brightest Day #8(of 180,571,092): Writer: GEOFF Johns & Peter Tomasi. Artists: Too many to list!


We kick the latest issue of the Brightest Day saga(yes, it is now officially a saga)off with the White Lantern ring being its regular annoying self. And of course the ring gives us its obligatory cryptic answers. Man do I hate that ring!


The Martian Manhunter discovers that there is another green Martian alive, but you could probably figure that out from the picture!


Hawkman gathers an army on Hawkworld to save Hawkgirl... Hawkman, Hawkworld, Hawkgirl???


While Hawkman and his army hunt for Hawkgirl, Hawkgirl winds up being beaten up by her rather creepy looking mother.


And we close things out this issue with the Martian Manhunter heading towards the mysterious Star City forest, which is where he had managed to track the other green Martian.

What I Thought: Meh. I think my buddy JT summed this series up the best when he described it as Russian Roulette... Some issues are better then others, some storylines are better then others and for me when I pulled the trigger with this issue I ate a bullet. I really don't like the Hawkman/Hawkgirl/Hawkworld/Hawkvillians/Hawkmother storyline at all. I like Hawkman, I like Hawkgirl(at least the pre-Blackest Night Hawkgirl), but the Hawkworld stuff lost me several issues back. I feel the same way about the Martian Manhunter storyline. I've never really been much of a J'onn fan(he's alright I guess...)and this story just never managed to grab my attention. So there's another green Martian... Since I don't really care about J'onn, I can't say I care about that revelation. So yeah, take the two Brightest Day stories that I care the least about and throw 'em in a comic and you've got this issue. If you're a Hawkworld or Martian Manhunter fan then you're in luck. If not, then this is an easily skippable issue.

Score: 3 1/2 out of 10.

Picto-Review: Brightest Day #7

Brightest Day #7(of 2,000,983): Writer: GEOFF “I'm gonna party like it's 1959!” Johns & Peter Tomasi. Artists: Too many to mention.

This is the issue that basically reveals why the characters brought back at the end of Blackest Night have returned(besides that fact that GEOFFY wanted them back).

First off is Deadman, who is supposed to embrace life.


Then we have the Martian Manhunter who is supposed to become forest burning pyromaniac.


The Firestorms need to stop Black Lantern Firestorm, who inexplicably seems to still be around.


Hawkman can't allow “them” to leave Hawkworld...


...while Hawkgirl has to prevent Hath-Set from killing Hawkman.


Aquaman is ordered to find the new Aqualad.


As for the rest, Capt. Boomerang needs to throw a boomerang at Dove, Jade has to “balance the darkness”. Osiris has to save his sister, while Max Lord has to kill Magog. Reverse Flash doesn't have to do anything... And finally, Hawk has to prevent Dove from getting struck by Capt. Boomerang's boomerang. And that's pretty much that.


What I Thought: What a load of garbage! If you wonder why Marvel has been gaining more and more of the comic book market share, while DC has remained stagnant, look no further then this series... “Throw a boomerang”?!?! THAT'S why Capt. Boomerang was brought back to life?! And the Reverse Flash! He had accomplished his goal BEFORE Blackest Night EVEN took place, and yet he was brought back too! I mean give me a break! Yeah, yeah, I'm sure some people did enjoy this comic(I'm pretty sure my good friend JT did), but I was pretty much disgusted by the whole thing. “Embrace life”??? That's why Deadman was brought back to life?! Well whoop-dee-frigging-do! And why the hell is Black Lantern Firestorm even alive?! Sad. A few short months ago, DC was far and away my favorite comic company, but now? Make mine Marvel!

Score: 5 1/2 out of 10.

Brightest Day #6

Brightest Day #6: Writer: GEOFF Johns & Peter Tomasi. Artists: Ivan Reis, Patrick Gleason, Scott Clark & Joe Prado.

Review: *Sigh* Here we go again... So a crazed Martian is running amok in an attempt to breed with the Martian Manhunter(I guess), and the Manhunter himself seems to kill anything green he touches. Hawk and Dove convince Deadman to try to bring Dove's sister back to life, but she ends up coming back as a Black Lantern and attacks them. We discover though that the attack never really happened, and that Deadman's ring made the heroes see that. Oh, and for some reason the White Ring wanted Hawk to eat a cheeseburger. The Firestorms continue to have problems, and Jason and Ronnie both realize that there is a third voice in their combined head. And finally Mera explains to Aquaman that she was from some sort of Atlantian penal colony and was sent to assassinate him. But naturally she fell in love with him and couldn't do it. We then retcon a bunch of stuff and she explains that Black Manta killed their baby(Aquababy), as punishment for Mera not killing Aquaman. This issue ends with the Manhunter deciding to search for Miss Martian and discovering her ravaged body at her secret base.

What I Thought: Meh. Sorry, but I couldn't care any less about this series. I don't enjoy it, I don't like reading it, every one of the stories are tedious and boring to me, and simply put, I just want this whole Brightest Day thing to end. Next issue promises to reveal the secret of the White Lantern, but a)I expect the reveal to be horribly weak, or b)it'll be a cop-out. And then people wonder why DC has been spanked by Marvel market share-wise for the past three straight years...

Score: 3 1/2 out of 10.Yeah a cheeseburger, why not? After reading this I wanted arsenic...

Green Lantern #55

Green Lantern #55: Writer: GEOFF Johns. Pencils: Doug Mahnke.

Review: This issue is basically a knockdown, drag-out brawl between Lobo(the baddest man in ALL of the universe)and Hal Jordan, Carol Ferris, Sinestro and Atrocitus in the streets of New York. It seems that Lobo has decided to collect on a bounty that was on Atrocitus's head, and Hal, Sinestro and Carol are tasked with assisting the leader of the Red Lanterns at the behest of the White Power Battery. Long story short, after much destruction, Hal chases Lobo off, since the bounty wasn't worth the trouble it was giving Lobo to collect it. At least that what Hal and company believe... Later on we find out that Atrocitus hired Lobo to attack him in order to gain the trust and assistance of Hal and company. Lobo's payment for the staged fight? A Red Lantern ring! There was also a back-up story about Dex-Starr, the feline member of the Red Lantern corps, but it was so pathetic that I'm just going to pretend that it never happened...

What I Thought: For what it was, this was a great comic. It was pretty much Lobo running roughshod over everybody in his path. The artwork was fantastic, and the story was minimal, which was perfectly fine by me. I was almost furious about the way the battle ended, with Lobo turning tail and running from Hal, but since that was explained away I really don't have anything to complain about here.

Score: 8 1/2 out of 10.Sadly Lobo had no hope of winning this battle since he hasn't been around since the early 1960's...

Let's talk about: Blackest Night characters!

Hey there X-Maniacs, tis your loyal servant X with a quick post. I'm going to try a new type of post tonight, so we'll see how it goes. See, I really don't have the time to do a lot of review type posts until the latter part of the week, because I'm usually buried with homework Monday through Thursday. So instead of doing a bunch of reviews, I'm just going to list a topic, and let you guys, my most loyal and wonderful X-Maniacs, Nerds of Prey and LoL's give this post life. I'll pick the topic, give my thoughts, and then throw the floor open to you guys. So if you want to put your two cents in, please feel free to do so. There are no right or wrong answers here, this is just to create some conversation. All right? All right then!

So what's the first topic? How about an easy one... I've made no bones about the fact that I hated the way Blackest Night ended. It started with such promise, and instead of ending with a bang, it ended with a whimper. One of the things that really bugged me about the way Blackest Night ended was the characters that were(and weren't)brought back to life. So here's your mission, should you choose to accept it... Which character who returned to life at the end of Blackest Night do you think should have stayed dead, and conversely, which character do you think DC should have brought back but didn't? Here's my picks... I say Reverse Flash should have stayed dead, since as a time traveler he could have just come back to menace Barry Allen from before he was killed. Time travel is funny like that. As for the character I think DC should have brought back to life but didn't, I'm going to go with Damage. He was a young character with a chip on his shoulder who, I think anyway, had some serious untapped potential. So there you go, those are my picks, what do you guys think?

Brightest Day #5...

Brightest Day #5: Writers: Geoffy Johns & Peter Tomasi. Artists: Ivan Reis, Ardian Syaf & Joe Prado.

Review: This comic starts with some Atlantians attacking Aquaman and Mera. Next up Deadman tries to bring the original Dove back to life at the urging of Hawk, but can't. Hawkman and Hawkgirl are trapped on some weird world where animal people battle each other, and I could care less about any of it!

What I Thought: My GOD, is this mini STILL going! Ugh, I just want it to end already... I've got to say, I find myself reading less and less of this comic, and simply browsing the pages, because I'm just completely bored by Blackest Night/Brightest Day... The only person this is a Bright Day for is Geoffy and his ilk, not me. I just want this damn storyline to end...

Score: 3 out of 10.Since I could care less about this mini(?)series, I'm not gonna bother with a caption here!