So long, DC!

So DC finally dropped the bomb everybody expected once it came out they wouldn't be shipping any titles the end of August(expect for the end of Flashpoint). It's now confirmed that DC is going to revamp their entire company and produce 52 new #1 issues come September... In the words of that jackass, Dan Didio, "This was a chance to start, not at the beginning, but at a point where our characters are younger and the stories are being told for today's audience." While Didio seemed to go out of his way to say that they weren't starting from scratch, they will be knocking several years off each character, all while fucking up years of character development and continuity. What I take Didio's quote to mean is that the plan is to take every DC character back to their 1970's places and start telling new stories from there... In other words, the 1980's and 1990's will have no longer even happened anymore. Sounds like we'll be back down to one Robin again, as Dick Grayson loses years of character development and will end up being Robin again. Did you like Clark and Lois being married? What about Batman Inc? Wally West as the Flash? Kyle Rayner as Green Lantern? Tough shit, because from the sounds of things, it's ALL being retconned away.

If this is true, I am officially done with DC Comics. Seriously, that's not bluster or me talking out of my ass, I'm dead serious, I'll drop EVERY single DC comic I'm currently collecting, and anybody who follows this blog knows that's quite a lot. If Johns and Didio have such a hard-on for the DC Comics of the 1960's-1970's, then why not do like Marvel did at the turn of the century and do an "Ultimate" type line. Keep your regular continuity and simply reboot the "All-Star" line that DC never fully invested in. That way you have the DCU that we fans have known and loved for years, as well as a DCU that's more easily assessable to newer fans.

Yep, this is a sad day to be a fan of the DC universe... Hopefully this is just Didio trying to build interest in his company, because if not, and we really do get a company-wide reboot, with 52 new #1 issues and loads of continuity thrown out the window, you'll only be seeing Marvel comics on this blog, as well as the occasional classic DC comics, because seriously, I'm not putting up with this, and I'll be more than happy to show my massive disapproval with my wallet. Please don't do this DC...

Brightest Day #24! The FINAL Rant!

Well, this is it... The end has finally arrived. With this issue, Brightest Day has finally come to an end, having thoroughly destroyed all of my faith in DC Comics. This has undoubtedly been the worst year DC has ever been through creatively since I've been reading their books, hands down. And you know what the really sad thing is? That it's going to continue... Here's hoping the Green Lantern movie bombs at the theaters and DC finally smartens up and hands somebody besides Chairman Johns the keys to the kingdom. But sadly, I know that's not going to happen... No, Chairman Johns will continue telling stories that amuse him and his boy, Dan Didio, while burying everything that's happened in the DCU between 1985 and 2004. *sigh* Well on that cheerful note, let's get this roving show of HORROR moving! As always, I'll be scoring this comic using Brightest Day Rules, which basically means that I'm expecting this to be the WORST comic I've ever read. As good events/things I like happen, I add points. As dumb events/things I don't like happen, I deduct points... Expect to see A LOT of points deducted...

Brightest Day #24(of 24!!!!! It's finally over!):

Summary: Good thing DC is still holding the line at $2.99, right! Oh wait... Never mind... God, I really don't want to do this... Well, much like pulling off a band-aid, let's do it nice and fast! That Damned White Lantern tells us the story of Swamp Thing(or at least the Chairman Johns version of the story), and explains that Swamp Thing ISN'T Alec Hollard, it just THOUGHT it was... Oh, well then everything makes sense now! Or not... Now Swamp Thing thinks it's Nekron, because it has a REAL bad personality disorder or something. That Damned White Lantern wants to make Swamp Thing and Alec Hollard one and the same(But that was retconned ages ago...) and purge Nekron's influence from Swamp Thing. However, poor old Alec is dead, and in order for him to come back to life, somebody else has to die... Wait, wait, wait... That Damned White Lantern brought back like twelve people at the end of Blackest Night. NOW it can't even bring back ONE?! To that end, it tells Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang to FINALLY throw his boomerang at Dove just as EVIL Swamp Thing invades Starwood Forest. Comically, Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang doesn't want to! HA!!! All he he's had to do is throw that goddamn boomerang and he STILL doesn't want to! This is just insanely bad! After some cajoling from That Damned White Lantern, Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang finally does throw the boomerang at Dove, which is enough to get him his life back... Yeah, THAT was sure worth it. Hawk can't catch the boomerang(SERIOUSLY?! He's had a frigging year to learn how to catch a boomerang!!!) but luckily for Dove, Deadman kind of wanders into the path of the boomerang and dies... Again. Well sure, why not. With Deadman dead again, That Damned White Lantern is able to return Alec to life. For some reason, the trees all wrap around him and he becomes Swamp Thing... Wait, according to this, he was NEVER Swamp Thing before, so why would the trees immediately cling to him as if he was? Anyway, Swamp Thing grows enormous and then, like a scene out of a bad Godzilla movie, Swamp Thing and EVIL Swamp Thing duke it out giant style... I can't believe what I'm reading... Chairman Johns MUST be completely insane by this point... The Swamp Things battle, but Swamp Thing is able to use the powers of the elements to blast EVIL Swamp Thing, weakening it. Swamp Thing then stabs EVIL Swamp Thing, which kills it... Really? That's all it took?!? Back on the ground, Dove is mourning Deadman's death(she shouldn't have been surprised, his name IS Deadman!), while That Damned White Lantern, just to be a jerk I guess, turns Deadman back into a spirit again, thus rendering EVERYTHING that's happened to him this past year completely and utterly pointless. With EVIL Swamp Thing dead, Swamp Thing releases the four elements from... um, inside of him, bringing Aquaman, Firestorm(s), the Martian Manhunter(or Earth Manhunter if you prefer) and Hawkman back to life... But wait! Where's Hawkgirl?! Well, according to Swamp Thing, she's not there, but is a part of the air now... That's almost dumb beyond belief. So she basically DOES what she was supposed to, helps defeat EVIL Swamp Thing and gets the royal shaft?! Yup. And to make matters even worse, That Damned White Lantern tells us that everybody did what they were supposed to do, and as such had earned their second chance at life... Except for Hawk, who didn't catch that boomerang. Instead of, you know, KILLING Hawk since he didn't earn his life, That Damned White Lantern says good-bye to everybody and teleports away... So wait. Hawkgirl DID accomplish her mission and was rewarded by becoming the air(basically dying), while Hawk didn't do squat and is punished by That Damned White Lantern mildly scolding him?!?!?!? With all of that stupidity done with, we move to the epilogue portion of things. Aquaman and Mera have Atlantian problems(surprise, surprise...), the Martian/Earth Manhunter is a swell guy, Hawkman is pissed(and really, why shouldn't he be?!), the Firestorms believe they're going to detonate, and Swamp Thing is attacking and killing business men who polluted the waters... Take THAT big oil! This issue ends with John Constantine looking over the scene of carnage Swamp Thing left behind and succinctly summing up this entire series in one word, “bollocks”

Thoughts: Okay, first things first, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let that be the ONLY time Chairman Johns writes John Constantine. Because I don't think my mind could stand it if Chairman Johns went and destroyed Constantine like he does everything else he touches. Let's get started with a -1 for wasting space with a Swamp Thing origin. That's what Wikipedia is for! -2 for the stupid Captain Universe rip-off with the elementals attacking EVIL Swamp Thing. And a -1 just because there IS an EVIL Swamp Thing! -10 for Captain Boomerang not wanting to throw that boomerang at Dove... I mean the whole POINT of him is that he throws boomerangs!!! +2 for Hawk screwing up and not catching the boomerang, just because it made me laugh. -100 for That Damned White Lantern suddenly being unable to bring Alec Holland back to life without somebody else dying... I mean what the HELL is THAT?! How does that make ANY sense?! Was 12 as many people as it could bring back to life or something?! I mean that just makes NO sense whatsoever! On top of that, I'm going to give another -200 because if Hawk WOULD have caught the boomerang, That Damned White Lantern's plans would have been foiled, since nobody would have died... Seriously, think about that for a second... Somebody had to die to bring Alec back to life, right? Now all Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang had to do was throw the boomerang at Dove, he didn't have to kill her to accomplish his goal. Hawk was supposed to catch the boomerang, which would have saved Dove, thus NOBODY would have died, meaning That Damned White Lantern wouldn't have been able to bring Alec back, meaning EVIL Swamp Thing would have won... You know what, ANOTHER -100 for that huge plot hole. -25 for the Godzilla-esque battle between the two Swamp Things, and a -5 for how easily Swamp Thing killed EVIL Swamp Thing... Can you say anti-climatic? While we're riding the minus train, a -25 for Hawkgirl dying/disappearing/turning to air/whatever happened to her, and another -25 for Hawk not getting punished in the least for not accomplishing his mission! I mean really?! However, a +30 for That Damned White Lantern disappearing, hopefully never to be seen, nor spoken of again. You don't know how much that smart-ass Lantern pissed me off at times... As for the epilogues, a 0 for the Aquaman one, because I could care less, a -2 for the Earth Manhunter one because it was so damn sappy, a +7 for the Hawkman one, because he was really screwed over here, and a +1 for the Firestorm(s) one. As for Swamp Thing, a -3 for his part. So he's a crazed environmentalist murderer now? Um, way to go and protect life, White Lantern... I guess... However, I'm gonna end the scoring of this Brightest Failure(HA!) on a positive note, and go with a +40 for the Constantine appearance at the end. Now if DC screws up Constantine's character, goes and makes him into a kinder/gentler Constantine or something like that, then that +40 becomes a -1,000,000... So there we have it. The end of one of the worst series ever put out by either of the big two. As a matter of fact, I'd easily put Brightest Day right up there with Secret Invasion, which currently holds the top spot as the worst event comic I've ever read. So congratulations DC, you've officially hit rock bottom. On the plus side, the only direction to go now is up. As for me? All I have left to do is tally up the score and I can finally close the book on this train wreck. Too bad DC can't do the same...

Score: -419 out of 10. All right! My lowest score ever! Take a bow, Chairman Johns!I couldn't have said it better myself.

A venomous rant about REBELS #27.

This post is something that I really need to get off my chest, so to be quite honest, it's more for me than anybody who might read it, and let's face it, nobody was/is going to read it anyway. Past experience has taught me that fact well. Comment or don't, I really don't care, because I won't be reading the comments anyway. This post is for me, and me alone. A little bit of therapeutic ranting is just what the doctor ordered for me...

REBELS #27:

Summary: This issue gets started with a knockdown, drag out WAR between Lobo and Starro's top lieutenant, Smite. Smite has killed thousands of the universe's top fighters as he subjugated worlds for his lord, Starro, while Lobo is Lobo, so yeah, they have one hell of a fight. While those two are tearing across Psion, Rann has been overrun by Starro's starfish, and only a small band of Tamaranians, led by Starfire's sister, Blackfire, are left to try to halt the starfish wave from spreading any further. Blackfire manages to lead her defenses to the location of Rann's leadership, but discovers that she was too late, and that the rulers of Rann had already fallen to Starro. At that moment, Vril Dox(Still my hero) enters the room wearing one of Starro's starfish on his face. Dox tells Blackfire to surrender to Starro, but she refuses, which brings Starro himself into the room! Uh-oh! Meanwhile, Dox's son, Brainiac 3 has managed to bring Tribulus back to life with an upgrade... Thanks to Brainiac 3, Tribulus's psionic lightning is now capable of short-circuiting Starro's starfish, safely freeing anybody wearing a starfish, making Tribulus the ultimate weapon against Starro. After that, Brainiac 3 contacts Adam Strange(who was heading to Psion to find Lobo and rescue Dox) and informs him that Rann was being devastated by Starro and company. Strange takes Starfire and Captain Comet and zeta-beams the three of them back to Rann, while the rest of LEGION continue to Psion. As for Lobo and Smite, their battle is too even for one to emerge victorious. Eventually they crash through a wall of a Psion bar, and decide to halt their fight to have a beer... Um, okay... Back on Rann, Starro and Dox are about to put Blackfire down for good when Starfire, Strange and Comet arrive on the scene, attacking Starro en masse, while Tribulus roams the streets of Rann frying all of Starro's starfish at the beshest of Brainiac 3, ending this issue.

Thoughts: Dear Dan Didio, Chairman Johns and the rest of the DCU “braintrust” (and I use THAT term as loosely as humanly possible). I hate you all. Love, X. This was seriously one of the toughest reviews I've ever had to write, and it took me a good 40 minutes to type it out... As for why it took me so long, I had to keep pausing to refrain myself from the overwhelming rage that was threatening to consume me... You see, REBELS IS the BEST comic coming out of DC. Period. I mean that with every fiber of my being, from the bottom of my heart. This is the second to last issue of REBELS before it gets canceled. I was trying REALLY hard not to go off on an epic rant here, but you know what? Why the hell SHOULDN'T I rant? Seriously, if ever I deserved an opportunity to just blow up, this is that time. As for this issue, what can I really say? To be honest, why the hell SHOULD I say anything? It's not like it matters ONE goddamn iota what I say anyway. It never did. Everything I've ever said about this series all means absolutely nothing anyway. I don't even know if I'll bother reviewing REBELS #28 next month when it drops. What the hell is the sense? I've been pleading with anybody within earshot to give this series a try since pretty much issue #7 onward. It's consistently been one of the highest scored comics I've reviewed these past few years. I started the whole Picto-Review idea in order to showcase this comic. That's right, REBELS was the only reason I ever did those stupid Picto-Reviews, and that was only because I was hoping actually SEEING what was in these comics would lead to a few people commenting and saying, “Hey, this looks pretty good. Maybe I'll give it a shot.” Instead, old X gets a swift kick in the balls and his favorite DC series(by a MILE) gets canned. So yeah, enjoy Chairman Johns' vision of the DCU everybody. I hope you all like bullshit stories full of multi-colored Lanterns and Hal Jordan and Barry Allen receiving verbal blow jobs, because that's what you ALL deserve. Those of you who are reading and enjoying comics like Power Girl, Booster Gold, Zatanna, Supergirl, Secret Six, Batgirl, Gotham City Sirens, Titans and any other books outside of Johns and Didio's personal realm of favorites, THIS will be your fate in a few months. Mark my words. And you know what? I'll be laughing my ass off as each and every one of those books get canceled so we can get a Larfleeze ongoing, or maybe an Indigo Lantern series. How epic will THAT be? A Indigo Lantern ongoing... Am I bitter? Fuck yeah I am. But in a way I'm also happy. I'm happy because I know that in time plenty more of you will be in the same boat I'm in. Sure, the brain-dead, “Rah, rah, everything Johns writes is GRRRREAT!” fanboys will be happy, because they don't know any better, but the other DC fans, the fans who actually have the AUDACITY to purchase books that DON'T have the name “Johns” on the cover, you'll all feel my pain in due time. So yes, I'm happy because I KNOW that your favorite books will eventually be canceled too. And THAT tickles the hell out of me. One day more people will realize how fucked-up DC's direction has become these past several years(starting with the return of Hal Jordan), especially as more and more good, but lower selling comics are canned. You'll be left with a DCU that consists of nothing but the fucking Rainbow Lanterns and a Flash who should have stayed dead, and by then it'll be too late. I take great solace in the fact that sooner or later you'll all be in the same boat as I am. This is only the beginning... Before I end this hate-filled post, I first want to say thanks to Tony Bedard, Andy Clarke, Claude St. Aubin, Scott Hanna and everybody else who was behind this series. The sooner all of these talented men get the fuck out of DC and go to Marvel, Image, Dark Horse, ANYWHERE but DC, the better. Because with each passing month, it's becoming more and more obvious that there is NO future for DC Comics, simply a return to a pathetic past. That's it. I'm done.

Score: 9 1/2 out of 10.Better luck in the next LEGION/REBELS series, Dox...

Brightest Day #22 & Brightest Day #23......

God knows I don't want to do this, but I have TWO issues of Brightest Day to read and I've decided that I WILL get through them tonight, come hell, high water or insanity... Being the dedicated blogger that I am, I'm going to grit my teeth and start reading what I'm sure will be absolute garbage... See, after reading 21 other issues of this series, I can confidentially say that I AM going to hate these two comics. The only thing that I can possibly hope is that these issues are so over the top horrible I can get some humor out of them. DC is intent on destroying their company, or at least only seem interested in writing their stories for hardcore DC fanboys/fans of DC's Silver and Golden Age, fans who feel DC can do no wrong. But let me tell you, THAT is a terrible idea, one that I hope bites DC in the ass in the long run. If they think the crap that they're pulling now is going to help them catch Marvel in the sales race, then Chairman Johns and his boy, Dan Didio are both crazy AND stupid. So there you go, my feelings towards Brightest Day and DC in general are right out there in the open. You all know how I feel, so don't be surprised by the negative tone I'm SURE this review is bound to take. As always, I will be reviewing these two comics using Brightest Day rules. In other words, I start the score at zero, and add or subtract points based on just how good, or bad things things in these issues are. Welcome to Brightest Day... Welcome to my nightmare.

Brightest Day #22(of... who cares.):

Summary: The Firestorms wander about the Antimatter universe and eventually discover the Anti-Monitor and the Black Lanterns(including that pain in the ass, Deathstorm) playing around with the White Lantern. Apparently the Anti-Monitor wants to force the White Lantern to create life for him so he could eat it and become more powerful... How very Galactus-esque of him. The Firestorms attack and turn the Anti-Monitor's helmet into a ball of hydrogen and then blow it up... Yeah, somehow I doubt THAT'S gonna stop him... Sure enough, that doesn't stop old Anti, it just pisses him off. The Anti-Monitor blasts the Firestorms, somehow splitting them back to Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch. Oh, and for some reason, Deathstorm, who was basically standing around taunting everybody, releases Professor Stein from his mind. Don't know why, but whatever. The Anti-Monitor gets angry because the White Lantern “took something” from him(um, okay). Deathstorm decides to turn Jason into salt(man is he a one trick pony or what?), and Ronnie jumps in front of the blast... But wait! Prof. Stein, who's way older, and presumably less athletic than Ronnie, manages to jump in front of Ronnie, taking the blast himself... LAME! Jason and Ronnie combine to become Firestorm again and Ronnie tries to figure out a way to reverse Prof. Stein's death by salt. While this is going on, the Anti-Monitor is... um, I don't know what he's doing actually... Let's say he's doing the Batusi, just because. After finishing his dance, the Anti-Monitor decides to attack Deathstorm and the other Black Lanterns, thus proving himself to be a terrible partner. Meanwhile, Prof. Stein decides to have the most dramatic death scene EVER by taking a full FOUR pages to die. The Anti-Monitor must start dancing again, because by the time Stein finally dies(like 37 days later!), Deathstorm and the Black Lanterns are back to taunting Firestorm again... Man, if taunting was an Olympic sport, Deathstorm would take home the silver. I'd naturally take the gold. Firestorm decides he's had enough of Deathstorm's incessant taunting(and really, who can blame him?), and goes to attack, but before he can, the White Lantern destroys all of the Black Lanterns. As for the Anti-Monitor... Let's say he started up the Macarena. With the Black Lanterns destroyed, and the Anti-Monitor dancing the night away, the White Lantern returns Firestorm to Earth and brings him back to life, since Ronnie was able to work together with Jason. Sure, why not. Ronnie demands that the Lantern brings Stein back to life, but the Lantern says hell no. It does decide to tell Firestorm that it wanted to go to the Antimatter Universe because it wanted to collect information from there. Why it decides to tell Firestorm this, especially since it's obvious he could care less, is anyone's guess. This issue ends with the deadly menace of Aliveman sneaking up on the Firestorms telling them to hand over the White Lantern, lest he kills them like he did to those other c-list heroes.

Thoughts: You know what the worst thing about this comic book was? It WASN'T that bad! I mean come on, I read this comic because I KNOW it's gonna suck, so the fact that it was pretty good kind of bummed me out... Jeez, DC can't even do THAT right... Anyway, let's get on with the scoring. We'll start off by giving a +3 to the Anti-Monitor trying to force the White Lantern to create life for him to eat, because it makes sense. Hell, if I had that White Lantern, I'd force it to make me cheeseburgers, all day and all night. -1 to Deathstorm saying “dude” like 25 times this comic. People who say “dude” repeatedly really annoy me... +2 to Firestorm setting the Anti-Monitor's head on fire, just because it was a cool idea. However, I'm going to have to give a -1 to Firestorm literally using a giant cartoon match to set the fire... Where the hell are we in, a Bugs Bunny cartoon?! -1 for Deathstorm simply letting Prof. Stein go for basically no reason, and not bothering to explain why he did it. -3 for Prof. Stein leaping in front of Ronnie, who himself was leaping in front of Jason to intercept Deathstorm's salt blast of utter doom. And a -1 for Deathstorm being so damn uncreative! I mean come on, you already did the whole, “Kill somebody by turning them into salt” trick. Try something else already, “dude”! I'm going to give Prof. Stein's death scene a +5, because it made me laugh so hard... I mean DAMN, that was a Hollywood level death scene right there! He REALLY dragged that out! +5 for the White Lantern killing Deathstorm... Man did I hate that thing... -1 for the White Lantern's bizarre decision to tell Firestorm that it went to the Antimatter Universe for a reason... I mean seriously, Firestorm could care less! Oh, and another -1 for Firestorm crying... What the hell? Is this series being written by Marv Wolfman or something? Because it seems we have somebody crying every single issue, just like during Wolfman's New Teen Titans run... Finally, a -2 for the unbelievably obvious ending... Anybody who DIDN'T see that one coming needs to go back to reading those “I can read!” pre-school books...

Score: 4 out of 10. Wow, that's like a perfect score for an issue of this series!!!So long, Deathstorm... See you in HELL!!!!!


Brightest Day #23(of 24!!! It's ALMOST over!!!!!):

Summary: I can do this... I can do this... Okay, let's get this over with so I can vomit. We begin with bad things happening all over the Earth. Earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, Saint Barry Allen, etc. Well all over the Earth except for Starwood Forest, where Aliveman is preparing to kill Firestorm or strike a dramatic pose at Firestorm. Whatever. It seems the “Dark Avatar” is coming, and the White Lantern needs to prepare its forces in the safety of Starwood Forest. Oh, and Green Arrow is stuck in Starwood for some reason, even though he has NOTHING to do with this whole Brightest Day mess. But whatever. The White Lantern teleports Dove to it, as well as Hawk, who grabbed a hold of her just as she was teleporting. The White Lantern also tells Not Old, Not Fat and Not Bald Captain Boomerang to throw a boomerang at Dove, but doesn't bother to teleport him into Starwood... Whatever, X. Just keep moving on... Don't stop to think about it... Just keep going... From there, the Dark Avatar climbs out of the ground, and I'll be damned if it doesn't look like an enormous version of Swamp Thing... But that doesn't make any sense... But that's what I see. The Dark Avatar(what a lame name...) parades over to Starwood Forest and begins banging on the force field around it, because if it destroys that tree with the White Lantern symbol on it something bad will happen. Since we aren't told exactly what will happen, I'm forced to make up my own story... Um, let's see... If the Dark Avatar manages to eat the White Lantern tree, Darkseid, Britney Spears and Donald Trump will join their dread powers together and the Earth, nay, the ENTIRE universe will cease to exist!!! So you see, that would be bad. While the Dark Avatar is banging out the Spider-Man theme song on the force field, the White Lantern kills Firestorm off. It then resurrects Firestorm as the fire elemental, the Martian Manhunter as the earth elemental(even though he's from Mars..........), Aquaman as the crying water elemental, and Hawkman AND Hawkgirl as the air elemental(s). Wait a minute, why are there TWO air elementals?! Meh. Never mind... The elementals attack the Dark Avatar, while Aliveman, Hawk and Dove are told to protect the White Lantern Tree, since it is the Parliament of Trees... Oh god... It IS Swamp Thing... From there, the body of Alec Holland climbs out from underneath the White Lantern Tree, and is pronounced Earth's Ultimate Savior...

Thoughts: Crap on a crutch... I can't BELIEVE this entire mini-series was building towards the return of frigging SWAMP THING! I mean REALLY?! That is a letdown like no other. I mean SWAMP THING?! I can't... I don't... I mean what is there to even say?! It's Swamp Thing. I can't believe this whole thing set up the return of Swamp Thing... I'm in shock. Okay, before I throw my laptop across the room or something, let me score this issue so I can go and read some Marvel comics to get the taste of THIS one out of my mouth. First things first, I promised JT I'd give this comic a -10 right off the bat, and I'm a man of my word. So we get started with a -10 for JT. From there, we get another -10 because I had to see that bastard, Saint Barry Allen. -2 for Green Arrow being stuck in Starwood Forest, even though he has NOTHING to do with this entire boondoggle. Another -2 for having to see Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang. -3 for the White Lantern telling Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang to throw a boomerang at Dove... Are you kidding me?! He's had a goddamn YEAR to throw that frigging boomerang and he STILL hasn't?!? Unbelievable... Oh yeah, and ANOTHER -3 for Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang STILL not having thrown the boomerang in THIS comic! What the HELL is he waiting for?!? A written invitation?! THROW THE DAMN BOOMERANG ALREADY!!! *sigh* -10 for the Dark Avatar apparently being a corrupted version of Swamp Thing. Now I'm sure all ten of Swamp Thing's fans will be pleased, but everybody else? Probably not. Hey, another -10 for NO John Constantine appearance here! What the hell is that?! Constantine and Swamp Thing are close, and Constantine would have made this comic at least bearable... John Constantine is awesome... Where was I? Oh yeah, this sucky comic. -1 for Firestorm's death, because really, who DIDN'T see that coming? -10 for the whole stupid Earth elementals thing... What the hell is this, an episode of Captain Planet?!? And a few more things... -2 for the fact that there are TWO air elementals... How does that make ANY sense? Why couldn't the air elemental have been EITHER Hawkman OR Hawkgirl? Making it both of them was just dumb. Speaking of dumb, let's give a -30 for the Martian Manhunter being the earth elemental. How in the blue HELL does it make sense that the MARTIAN Manhunter is the elemental of earth? I mean MARTIAN is in his NAME!!! He's from MARS! And yet he's the EARTH elemental!!! ARGH!!!!! And then there was the end. With Alec Holland(Swamp Thing) being revealed as Earth's Ultimate Savior... Swamp Thing has never been what you'd call a mainstream DC character, I always saw him as more of a Vertigo type guy(like Constantine), but I guess that genius Chairman Johns has decreed that Swamp Thing will now be the most important character in the DCU. For that, I say -25. This was as disappointing a comic as I've ever read. Oh well, at least Brightest Day ends next issue and I'll never again have to think about this whole ordeal ever again. Man, I have a lot of negative numbers to add up now... Let's see just how low this score is gonna be...

Score: -118 out of 10. I'm literally at a loss for words...Yup...

New Comic Day! March 30th Edition.

It's time for that weekly comic book event that we all wait for, it's time for New Comic Day! Last week I picked up A LOT of books from the comic books shop. A good 22 or so. This week was a lighter week, but still pretty good. BUT, before I get into this week, it's time to look back at the week that was and see if my predictions for last week's books came to fruition. Last week's Pick of the Litter was Captain America: Man Out of Time #5, and it was as good as I hoped, garnering a 9 1/2 from me. Hey, you can't ask for much more than that! On the other side of the coin, last week's Runt of the Litter was Batman Incorporated #4... Now while it was MILES better than issue #3, I only gave it a 5 out of 10, so yeah, it did deserve it's place as last week's Runt.

So this is where I usually start talking about what comics I picked up this week... But first, I want to look a little bit further down the road... I picked up the new Marvel Previews guide, which is for June of this year. Between classes at school I was flipping through it and I realized that I'm going to be buying A LOT of Marvel comics in the upcoming months... I mean the stuff going on over at Marvel looks really good... Now the problem about that is as follows. I'm not made entirely of money, which means if I'm going to be collecting an extra 10-15 Marvel books a month, that money is going to have to come from somewhere else. With that in mind, I am seriously thinking about dropping all but maybe 5 DC books come the summertime. I mean let's face it, DC has taken an epic nosedive since the end of Blackest Night, and the characters that people like Chairman Johns and his bitch Dan Didio want to spotlight are NOT the characters I care to read about. Now this is all subject to change, since maybe Marvel will get on my nerves as well and DC pulls itself out of the gutter, but as of now, I'm seriously considering dropping almost all of my DC books. I hope Chairman Johns and Didio are happy.

Now we can get to business. First off, here are the comics I should be getting in the mail sometime during the next two weeks. Action Comics #899, Gotham City Sirens #21, Green Arrow #10, Justice Society of America #49, Wonder Woman #609, Black Panther #516, Captain America #610, Secret Avengers #11 and Wolverine #7. A healthy 9 books there, although I'm only really looking forward to about half of them. And now, let's go over what I snagged at the comic shop today. First, I picked up two trades, Fantastic Four Vol. 3 and Iron Man: The End. Here are the singles I grabbed... Zatanna #11, X-23 #8, Ultimate X #4(!?!?!?), Teen Titans #93, Kick-Ass 2 #2(!!!), Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors #8, Detective Comics #875, Avengers #11, Amazing Spider-Man: You're Hired #1, Amazing Spider-Man #657, Captain America and the Secret Avengers #1, and Cyclops #1. That gives me 12 books this week, which is about on par for a normal week for me. Before I go and name the Pick and Runt of the Litter, if I was to go on my DC dropping spree now, out of this week's books I'd probably wind up dropping Green Arrow, Justice Society of America, Wonder Woman, Emerald Warriors, and possibly Teen Titans and Gotham City Sirens. Right there that would be about $18 to spend on far superior Marvel comics. Anyway, enough DC bashing in one post. This week's Pick of the Litter will have to be... um, let's go with Ultimate X #4. I easily could have chosen Kick Ass 2 or Amazing Spider-Man, but I REALLY enjoyed the first three Ultimate X comics, and with the way that series is released, I probably won't see issue #5 until sometime in the fall. As for this week's Runt, I'm going to pick Emerald Warriors #8, only because Our Lord and Savior Hal Jordan is in it. And there you have it, another week in the books, all that's left to do is say, “X out!” and post the Random Scan of the Week. So yeah, X out!

The Random Scan of the Week!Why is Dr. Strange's creepy ghost pink?

Again?!? Brightest Day #21 of ∞ + 390,986

Normally I get all depressed and pissy when I know I have to read and review an issue of Brightest Day, but I've FINALLY figured out a way to solve that dilemma! Instead of sticking the latest issue of Brightest Day at the bottom of my comic pile and then feeling that sense of dread and disappointment build up over the course of the week as I grow closer and closer to it, I've decided to simply read this garbage first and get it out of the way. It's like ripping a band-aid off quickly as opposed to slowly pulling it off over the course of a week or two. Not only that, but once I'm done with this review, I plan on reading the third volume of the mind-blowingly great Y: The Last Man as a way to rid my mind of the mental anguish that I'm sure this comic will inflict upon me. As always, I'll be reviewing this using Brightest Day rules. That means I start reading this comic figuring it'll be the worst thing I've ever read, and adding or subtracting points as I see things I like or dislike. Will this comic finish above or below 0?!? Let's get started and find out!

Brightest Day #21(of ∞ + 390,986):

Summary: We get started with the Atom wondering where his good buddy Hawkman went. From there we head to... REALLY?!? Goddamn Saint Barry Allen and an assortment of DC heroes clearing the beach where Aquaman battled last issue. Goddamn Saint Barry begins to talk, so I begin to turn pages rapidly. The scene switches to Mars, meaning I can begin reading again! I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing though... Anyway, the Martian Manhunter is mad at D'Kay, the evil female green Martian. They yell and fight for a while until MM gets a mental flash from Earth(all the way from Mars?!?) of people feeling widespread panic. MM decides to help the people of Earth by flying into the sun to kill both himself and D'Kay... Well I have to say, that plan has some major holes in it! For some reason committing suicide was what MM needed to do to satisfy That Damned White Lantern, so it brings him back to life(AGAIN!), and MM heads to Earth to save people and stuff. Aliveman then appears before MM and That Damned White Ring decides to dissolve MM into the Earth, killing him(I guess)... AGAIN!!!

Thoughts: I honestly think I just lost several braincells just by reading this! What the HELL has happened to Chairman Johns?!? I mean he used to be far and away one of the best three comic writers out there. Now he's like... number 58 or so. I know that Peter Tomasi also has a hand writing this mess, but we ALL know who the mastermind is. *sigh* Let's get to the scoring, which I suspect will be VERY low... We start this one off with the OLD Atom, which automatically makes me deduct -3 points in the memory of Ryan Choi. And then Goddamn Saint Barry shows up, thus costing this issue -25 points. AND THEN Goddamn Saint Barry talks, costing this comic another -25 points. However, since Goddamn Saint Barry only appeared on two pages, I'll add +2 points. Oh, and another -15 points for Superman saying, “If Hal was here--”... Are you serious?! You have Batman, Cyborg, Mr. Terrific, and several other super-smart DC characters standing around and Superman is wishing HAL THE GREAT was there?!? Is Chairman Johns THAT in love with HAL THE GREAT that he has to at least MENTION him in every comic he writes now?! Good God... Moving on, I'll give the fight on Mars a 0, because I could care less about it one way or the other. -2 for the Martian Manhunter killing himself to defeat D'Kay... Was suicide the ONLY thing he could come up with to beat D'Kay?!? -3 for That Damned White Lantern bringing MM back to life after he offed himself... I mean should he REALLY be rewarded for committing suicide? Finally a -5 for That Damned White Ring killing MM RIGHT AFTER it brought him back to life! How does that make any sense at all?! I'm simply astonished by just how bad a comic this was. I mean literally astonished. I actually sat back when I was done reading this and was stunned by the utter stupidity of it all... Well, all that's left to do is add up the score. At least I can be POSITIVE that everything I read for the rest of the week HAS to be better than this was!

Score: -76 out of 10. Well, it appears Brightest Day's streak of positive scores ended at a rather impressive 1 issue... Next issue: Goddamn Saint Barry takes command of the heroes! Superman begs the gods above to return HAL THE GREAT to Earth! Firestorm dies, then comes back to life, then dies, then comes back to life, then is split into two Firestorms, they both end up dying, at which point they return to life in one body again, and then they die again!!! Smell the excitement!!!!!!Oh no! The Martian Manhunter has died! Don't worry though, he'll be back by the next page. Although he's just going to wind up dying again...

Brightest Day #20 and Green Lantern #62.

Well, I've put it off for over a week now. I think it's high time I finally got this over with. Yes X-Maniacs, it's time for... *shudder* my Brightest Day review... As most of you know, I hate everything about Brightest Day. Everything! But although I hate Brightest Day, I do enjoy doing reviews for it... It's always fun to tear something you can't stand to pieces and my Brightest Day reviews have become cathartic to me. Go figure. Besides the Brightest Day review, I'm also going to review the most recent issue of Green Lantern, or as it's better known as; Chairman Johns' love letter to... well himself. Since I now passionately hate everything written by our beloved Chairman, I'll be scoring BOTH of these comics using Brightest Day Rules. For the uninitiated, When I score something using Brightest Day Rules I figure whatever I'll be reading will be the WORST thing I have EVER read, and as such start the comic out at a 0. If things I enjoy happen(say Saint Barry Allen getting beheaded), I add points to the score. If bad/dumb/nonsensical things happen(like Aquaman crying over his lopped off hand), I deduct points. Makes sense to me! One more thing, if you're a DC fanboy, a fan of Chairman Johns or Geoff Johns himself, you should stop reading now. Seriously, you won't like this review! Then again, if you ARE Chairman Johns keep reading... Okay, enough with the intro, let's commence the mental torture!!!

Brightest Day #20(of ∞):

Summary: It's an all-Aquaman BONANZA!!! Aqualad prevents Black Manta from killing Sad Aquaman, so Manta decides to kill Aqualad for his transgression. Unfortunately for Manta(but fortunately for DC's animation department), Mera and Aquagirl... um, 3? 4? 8? Oh I don't know... Let's just say the current Aquagirl arrive on the scene to deal with Manta and his EVIL Atlantian allies. Aqualad cauterizes Sad Aquaman's boo-boo and Sad Aquaman takes the battle to the EVIL Atlantians. Mera realizes that since there were only 4 good guys and 100 bad guys they PROBABLY wouldn't be able to win the battle(now that's good, logical thinking!), so she creates a giant wave to drag the EVIL Atlantians back into the ocean. The Aqua-family follows suit and somehow Aqualad opens a portal back to the Bermuda Triangle and sends the EVIL Atlantians, as well as that cad Black Manta back to their prison. The Aquas are happy at this sudden, and completely out of the blue turn of events and celebrate. Or at least they do until Aliveman shows up and That Damned White Ring kills Sad Aquaman. Kills him good!

Thoughts: Okay, what do we have here... First off, +3 for DC actually dedicating the ENTIRE issue to one story! I don't know about anyone else, but I'd rather read one linear story as opposed to 31 different stories in the same comic. +2 for Manta trying to kill Aqualad, because that's what a good arch-enemy SHOULD do! -1 for the all too obvious eventual Aqualad/Aquagirl relationship... If you wanted a Aqualad/Aquagirl relationship, DC, then you shouldn't have killed off the Garth and Tula!!! -1 for Black Manta claiming he “gutted” Aquababy... That's not even CLOSE to the truth! -2 for Sad Aquaman crying AGAIN! What the hell is up with him?!? +3 for Sad Aquaman sending a horde of dead sea life after the EVIL Atlantians, because let's face it, NOBODY wants to be eaten by a dead shark. +1 for Sad Aquaman kissing Mera, because that's another pic for my other blog! And -1 for Sad Aquaman not getting a chance to cry at the end of when That Damned White Ring killed him... I mean crying is his gimmick now! How does he die and not get to unleash a torrent of waterworks?! So after some addition and subtraction we get a final score of...

Score: 4 out of 10. Hey, that's a HUGE improvement over last issue's -356! Good job!Look! He's crying again!!!


Green Lantern #62: It's written by our Lord and Savior, Chairman Johns, so it MUST be good!!!

Summary: Krona attacks Hal Jordan The Great or as he's better known as, “He Who Has Never Done Anything Wrong Because He Was Possessed, Dammit!!!” to start this train wreck out. During Hal The Great and Krona's battle we get some snippets of who Krona is and what his major malfunction is. Eventually Krona gets the better of Hal The Great, but not before Hal The Great gets a good shot in on Krona because he's, you know, Great. The other members of the Lite-Brite Brigade(ROLL CALL!!! Saint Walker! Larfleeze! Indigo-1! Atrocitus!) attack Krona but get their asses handed to them, which makes sense since Krona controls the entities that power the members of the Lite-Brite Brigade... Gee, maybe they should have realized that... Anyway, Krona manages to steal the Rage entity away from Atrocitus, which gives him the full collection of Lite-Brite entities. Krona blasts the Lite-Briters into unconsciousness and leaves, at which time we get a glimpse into the future(um, why?) where it appears one of the Green Lanterns of the Earth sector dies... Grr... Anyway, Hal wakes up, blows off Saint Barry, Batman and Superman and decides to leave Earth with his Lite-Brite Brigade buddies to hunt down Krona and... um, let's say give Krona a severe scolding when they find him.

Thoughts: God help me I HATE this series! I mean hate it with every fiber of my being! If I were to run out of toilet paper THIS would be the first thing I bring into the bathroom with me! Thankfully I only have one or two more issues of this garbage left on my subscription before I can turn my back on this series forever. Forever!!! Well, let's get the scoring done so I can burn this comic book... Right off the bat a -1 because Hal Jordan was in this comic. Continuing along those lines we'll give a -25 because of Saint Barry was here. I will give a +5 for Hal telling Saint Barry not to run because it was so funny... I mean Hal, I don't know if you realize this, but running(and screwing over Wally West) is all Saint Barry can do! -2 for Hal actually injuring Krona because it made NO SENSE! How the hell can you harm a Guardian of the Universe with a GL ring?! Not only that, but how can you harm Krona with willpower when he controls the Ion entity?!? Dumb. -5 for Larfleeze appearing, but a +2 for Hector Hammond tearing into the minds of Hal and the Lite-Brite Brigade, just because it caused Hal pain. +10 for Krona knocking all of the useless members of the Lite-Brite Brigade out. -10 for Larfleeze talking, but +20 for Batman calling Hal out for being an asshole. And finally, -50 for Hal stating the he was possessed by Parallax... No Chairman Johns, Hal WASN'T possessed by Parallax. He went insane and became a villain NAMED Parallax. Retcon it all you want, I'll NEVER accept it. Jesus, what an ass Geoff Johns must be to crap all over the work of other writers just to push his(and Dan Didio's) personal favorite characters at the expense of everything that had been done. I hope like HELL that 20 years from now some writer just retcons EVERYTHING Johns has done these past 10 years because that would be SO fitting. Let's get the math work done so I can end this post and read a comic that is actually good...

Score: -56 out of 10. The second lowest score I've ever given a comic book. And you know what? It sure as hell deserved it.I had to pick some page from this comic, I might as well pick this one.

Brightest Day #18 AND Brightest Day #19(of 1,029,534,876,564,928)

I think I've put it off for long enough... I mean, this is akin to getting a root canal while having your appendix removed... WITHOUT anesthesia! Yes X-Maniacs, I'm ready to... God, it's hard to even type the words out... *sigh* I'm ready to review not one, but TWO issues of Brightest Day... May god have mercy on my soul, because I know Chairman Johns and DC sure as hell won't! As usual, I'll be reviewing these two comics using “Brightest Day Rules.” What exactly does that mean you ask? Before I even open up any issue of Brightest Day I expect it to be the WORST thing I've ever had the misfortune of reading, and as such the comic starts out with a score of 0. Depending on each scene, I'll add or deduct points, meaning it's conceivable for one of these comics to have a final score in the negative numbers! It hasn't happened yet, but hey, each issue of this “masterpiece” is another opportunity for that vaunted negative score. Okay, I've locked the doors and windows, put on some soothing music and cried for an hour. I think I'm ready to begin this review...

Brightest Day #18

Review: We start off with two of Chairman Johns' FAVORITE villains, Not Old, Not Bald, and Not Fat Captain Boomerang and Captain Cold having a lover's quarrel over Capt. Boomerang rescuing Reverse-Flash(Chairman Johns' FAVORITE villain)from prison. What and ever. From there, Deadman calls Dove and whines that his White Lantern ring was powering up, because apparently Deadman never expected a POWER ring to POWER-up. From there we head to Zamaron where Hawkman and Hawkgirl kill Hawkgirl's Predator possessed mother, thus FINALLY freeing them from the curse and simplifying their history for the first time EVER! By this point Deadman's ring has fully charged and he flies away. Hawkman and Hawkgirl teleport to the “one place on Earth” they'd most want to be together and wind up in a museum... Wow, how romantic... Finally free of their convoluted history, they decide to lose their clothes and play naked twister. What? Maybe that's how they get their freak on. Before Hawkman can pull out the spinner(ugh!), Deadman, or I guess his White Lantern counterpart, Aliveman, arrives on the scene to... well, apparently to point his ring at them and stare. Hawkman is naturally alarmed by Aliveman's appearance(plus he probably doesn't want to play naked twister with another dude around), and Aliveman explains that he's not in control of himself, but that the ring is controlling him... Suuuuuure it is Aliveman... That annoying White Lantern Ring tells the Hawks that they are supposed to service the big, super, spectacular, amazing, fantastic, astonishing, STILL unnamed White Lantern champion, which runs counter to Hawkman's naked twister plans, leading to Hawkman telling the Ring to get lost. The ring responds by disintegrating the Hawks, ending this issue.

Thoughts: Okay, now for the fun part! That first scene with Cold and Boomerang earns -5 points because it made me think of Saint Barry... I had no qualms about Deadman's initial scene, so I'll give it a pity +1. The stuff on Zamaron was actually pretty good AND served a purpose, getting rid of Hawkgirl's evil mother and FINALLY getting rid of that curse on the Hawks, so I'll give the whole mess a +5. However, -1 point for the Hawk's deciding the most romantic place they could go was a museum... Another -1 for Deadman freaking out about his ring reaching 100% charge... I mean come on, he HAD to have seen that coming! +2 for Deadman acting like a creepy voyeur, and -3 for DC killing off the Hawks AFTER fixing their damned confusing history! Seriously, what the hell is THAT all about! Finally, +3 points for me repeatedly abusing the phrase, “Naked Twister.” So after some addition and subtraction, this issue of Brightest Day ends up with a......

Score: 1 out of 10. Well, at least that's better than a 0...It's only going to get worse from here, Aliveman...

Brightest Day #19

Review: We get started with Deadman... Oops, I mean Aliveman complaining to the White Lantern Ring about it killing Hawkman and Hawkgirl. The Ring pretty much tells Deadman to shut up so it can tell him a story... Oh god no... The Ring's story made my head hurt, so I'm not even going to TRY to fully explain it. Basically, the Earth has a soul and humanity is... um, corrupting it somehow or something. Anyway, by having the twelve returned characters do twelve random things, this somehow leads to their life force becoming purified. Oh, and Starwood Forest can't be destroyed by the “Dark Avatar” before the “Champion” has risen or some real bad stuff will happen. The skies will turn neon green, children will eat live puppies, chickens will take revenge on farmers and the Earth will explode. Like I said, bad stuff would happen. After that lovely news, we head ♫Under Da Sea♫ where Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad are talking about stuff. You know, girls and the ocean and stuff. Hey, what else would YOU talk to the bastard son of your archenemy about? Anyway, those EVIL water-magic Atlantians suddenly attack Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad and knock them ♫Out of Da Sea♫ thanks to Aliveman and his EVIL Ring freeing the EVIL Atlantians from the Bermuda Triangle. Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad move to rescue as many people from the beach as they can, while trying not to get killed. That sounds like a good strategy to me. The leader of the EVIL Atlantians, Siren, taunts Aquaman by telling him that she had captured and killed Mera off-panel(well she doesn't actually say “off-panel”). Aquaman responds to this news like any rational fishman would, by slowly reaching a hand at Siren and threatening to kill her... That-a-boy, Aquaman, slowly grab at her! Unfortunately, Aquaman's grabbing hand gets chopped off by Black Manta, which makes Aquaman cry... That's right, he CRIED! Aquaman's crying mercifully ends this disaster.

Thoughts: My GOD was this terrible! And NOT in a good way! Okay, let's get to the scoring. Right off the bat we'll go with a -7 for that HORRIBLE story the White Ring told Aliveman... Purifying random b and c-list hero's(and villain's)life forces to save the Earth's soul and/or Starwood Forest from the DREADED(but never mentioned before this issue)Dark Avatar... What? Really?! From there -1 for The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad coming across as a TOTAL loser by telling Aquaman a story about his girlfriend screwing other guys, while he did her homework and got no action... How the HELL is THAT supposed to make him look good!? I'll give the beginning of the fight between Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad against the EVIL Atlantians a +2 because the EVIL Atlantians used the phrase, “Death to the Air-Breathers,” thus proving that they were indeed EVIL. However, -100 points for Black Manta chopping off Aquaman's hand, and -250 points for Aquaman responding by CRYING over it... What the HELL kind of a hero CRIES when he gets injured?!? Cripes, that Risk guy got his arm pulled off by Superboy Prime and he didn't cry, and he's a TOTAL loser! On top of all that, why in the world would you chop off Aquaman's hand? I mean I just can't rationalize that in any way... If you wanted to keep the superior Aquaman from the 1990's around, then why the HELL did they bring back the Silver Age version?? That would be like if Marvel broke up the marriage of Peter Parker and Mary Jane, and then had them get married again, IMMEDIATELY AFTER they broke them up! Why retcon Aquaman's hand getting chopped off only to CHOP IT OFF AGAIN?! To make Aquaman hate Black Manta even more? Manta MURDERED Aquaman's infant son, I doubt having Manta take Aquaman's hand as well is going to make Manta somehow MORE hated by Aquaman! Okay, let's get that final score tallied up so I can put this post to bed...

Score: -356 out of 10... Hmm... That sure is a unique score... Well, it's my blog, and I make the rules, so if I feel like giving a comic book a -356 out of 10, so be it!Jeez, be a man and walk it off you big baby...

The Best of the Rest! December 1st edition.

Well the weather outside is starting to get frightful, but rest assured, my reviews are still delightful... Man, was that corny as hell or what? Anyway, it's time for another installment of the most popular blog feature in the great country of Japan, the Best of the Rest! And who am I you ask? Men call me X! Trust me, that'll make way more sense by the end of this post... Probably. I'll be knocking off 5 reviews in this post, three DCs and two Marvels. On top of that, the last “review” is probably the most outrageously offensive thing I have ever written... So on that dubious note, let's get this show on the road.

Aquaman is... I've run out of fish jokes...
I am rapidly racing towards the end of the 1990's Aquaman series(I have about 20 issues to go)and I've got to say, once Peter David jumped ship(hey, there's a water reference!)this comic went down like the Titanic(I did it again!!). Nothing against Erik Larsen, but he is NO Peter David. Sure, PAD did some weird things during his nearly 50 issue Aquaman run(like the bizarre alien invasion storyline), but I could always find a character or two that I'd connect with, be it Tempest, Dolphin, Vulko, or Aquaman's awesome son, Koryak. Once PAD left, we lose Koryak, gain Mera(yawn)and Aquaman decides to wear a fake hand and go with his retro, 1960's look. Ugh. I'm definitely looking forward to being done with this series, hopefully as soon as next week.

Titans Together or something like that...
So with the impending end of the Aquaman series, I've decided that the next full run of comics that I'll tackle will be the Titans series from the late 90's. I've been warned to stay away from this series from some of my fellow bloggers, but my sister told me to give the series a shot, since it was a quick read. So once I'm done with Aquaman, I'll be working my way through the Titans. For better or worse...

Okay, enough gibber-jabber, let's get this show on the road! The first review on tap for tonight is Black Widow #8. Last issue Widow and the reporter she was trying to rescue were confronted on a train by the Crimson Dynamo and Fantasma. Widow outsmarts and electrocutes the Dynamo, but has a tougher time with Fantasma. Luckily for Widow, her foe from the first issue of this storyline, Fatale, steps in and knocks out Fantasma. Widow, Fatale and the reporter head to a hotel and Fatale explains that she had been betrayed by the people who hired her to take out Widow, so Widow decides to team-up with her. The reporter finally gives up the location of his source, who was the person trying to frame/kill Widow, and Widow and Fatale hunt the source down, discovering an empty room, which promptly explodes. The reporter figures Widow had died, but she later texts him and lets him know she survived, before she sends some of her spy friends to take the reporter back home. Annnd that pretty much closes that. I really didn't like the way this story ended at all. Basically nothing happened, except that the reporter no longer believed Widow had killed his father. Three issues and several continents for that?? Score: 4 out of 10.

Let's get to the DC books with a quick peek at Titans #29. Last issue Deathstroke decided to piss me off by freeing the Mad Hatter from Arkham, and is in the process of freeing a second inmate, Allegra Garcia. Unfortunately for Deathstroke, Batman is standing in between him and his escape. Naturally that leads to an extended fight between the two long time foes. Meanwhile, Deathstroke's team is battling a who's who of Gotham City nutjobs who escaped from their cells during Deathstroke's initial raid on Arkham. For some reason, all of the Arkham inmates seem to be packing their weapons(um, how?)making lots of trouble for the Titans. Deathstroke manages to get away from Bats by jeopardizing the lives of two Arkham guards who wandered into the fight, and with Bats distracted trying to save the guards, Deathstroke and Allegra make a break for it. This issue ends with Allegra tiring of Deathstroke and attacking him with some form of powers. This was actually a pretty good comic, with my only real complaint being the fact that all of the Arkham escapees had their weapons of choice with them. I mean, how the hell does THAT happen?! Scarecrow had a sack on his head and was blowing fear gas in people's faces, Zsasz had a knife, and Mr. Freeze had his frigging freeze gun! Now why would THAT be in Arkham with him?! Weird. Other than that, no real complaints here. The Batman/Deathstroke fight was well done, and as per my own sanity keeping exercise, I simply ignored everything Arsenal said and did. Score: 7 out of 10.

Sticking with DC, let's take a look at what used to be DC's premier super-team, the Justice League in Justice League of America #51. Batman, Supergirl, Donna Troy, Jade and Jesse Quick are trapped in the Hall of Justice with the Crime Syndicate and the immensely powerful Omega Man, who is SO powerful he speaks with an echo!!! Oooo, scary! Apparently the Omega Man is the being that has destroyed two other Earths, and wants to add the DCU to his resume. The Crime Syndicate try to avoid the Omega Man, while the JLA battle him to no avail. In the end, the Omega Man tries to fire a massive death beam into the air, but Jade uses her powers to halt the blast, creating an impregnable dome around all of Washington DC. Supergirl tries to take on the Omega Man, but using his ability to speak in echoes, he transforms her into EVIL Supergirl. How do I know she's EVIL Supergirl? Because she no longer has eyeballs and was wearing a black and silver costume. Meh, meh, and double meh. Supergirl “dying” and being reborn as EVIL Supergirl lacked any real impact since we all know she's not going to be staying that way since, you know, she has her own series! Now if Donna would have become EVIL Donna, maybe the impact would have been greater. Other then that, this issue STILL confused the hell out of me, and the Omega Man looked suspiciously like Onslaught. Whatever though, another lousy issue of a lousy series. Score: 4 out of 10.

Let's head back to Marvel and Secret Avengers #7 before I get to the main event of this post. This issue is STILL dealing with Shang-Chi, meaning that I was bored of it before I even got started... Shang gets captured by his father's ninja goons, but that's exactly what Steve Rogers wanted, since he had Ant-Man hiding in Shang's hair... Huh. Ant-Man springs Shang, and they return to Steve's base. Meanwhile, Valkyrie and the Price of Orphans(what kind of a codename is “The Prince of Orphans”?!)manage to capture a member of the Shadow Council and bring him into Steve for some fruitless interrogation. This issue ends with the leader of the Shadow Council, Director Thorndrake and Max Fury promising Shang-Chi's half dead father that they'd still capture Shang in order to complete the ritual that would return Papa Shang to life. How can they be so sure? Because they have some guy named John Steele working with them. This is another issue that had me saying, “meh” when I was done with it. I'm just not into Shang-Chi. Don't care about him, don't care about his stories, don't care about his father, I just don't care. I think this storyline wraps up next issue, and to that I say, the sooner the better! Score: 5 1/2 out of 10.

And now it's time for Green Lantern #59... I'm going to brutally honest here, I hated this comic book passionately, and as such, this is going to be more of a rant than a review. Not only that, but this rant turned out to be uncharacteristically profane, so if you get easily offended, you should definitely skip this review. So there, you've been warned. If you read on and get pissed, don't complain to me about it. This issue starts with the Indigo Lanterns arriving on Earth and putting some guy on their team. From there, the two objects of every one of Geoff Johns' wet dreams, Hal Jordan and Barry Allan talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk some more. Barry is upset that Hal is working with Sinestro and Atrocitus instead of him, and then the two talk some more, because what this issue needed was more of two characters who were dead years ago talking. On Oa, the Guardians and Salaak talk about Hal Jordan(because we needed MORE talking!!!)and discuss how he doesn't follow orders. Really? What a shocker! Wow, that's NEVER been mentioned before!!! That Geoff Johns is a comic book GENIUS!!! Eventually the Indigo Lanterns arrive at Hal's location and Hal proceeds to talk to them too. Hey, why the hell not? Hal complains about Black Hand being on the Indigo Lanterns, which gives Black Hand the opportunity to, you guessed it, talk! That little robed figure arrives on the scene riding Parallax, which makes no sense, but who really cares about this shit making sense anymore? Parallax then possessed Barry Allen and this issue thankfully ends. After I finished reading this comic, I put it down and simply said three words, “Fuck this shit.” That pretty much sums up my feelings towards this series. I guess I'm happy for Geoff Johns, who can jerk off to his favorite characters to his heart's desire, but me? Count me out of the Johns wank-fest. I'm done with this series. And more importantly, I'm done with anything written by Geoff “1959” Johns. I'm tired of his incessant pandering to the fans of DC's Silver Age, I'm sick of seeing the dead Green Lantern and the dead Flash getting all of the play in the DCU, basically I'm tired of Geoff Johns. Let all of the little DC fanboys drool all over the garbage he's regurgitating from 50 years ago, I'm done with it all. Score: 0 out of 10.

The Random Scan of the Week!Best line EVER!!!!

Brightest Day #14, The Final Rant?

Overall: Hide the women and children, it's time for yet another Brightest Day review!!! Deadman(or if you prefer, Aliveman)rushes through Gotham to find Batman since he's decided(for reasons unknown)that Batman MUST be who the White Lantern Ring has been searching for. So Deadman interrupts a robbery and forces the ring to join with Bats. When this happens Deadman gets shot by some thug. Bet you wish you kept the White Ring now, don't ya smart guy? From there Deadman begins to relive moments from his past and decides he doesn't want to be dead anymore, even though he's been bitching about being alive since this godforsaken series began. Make up your frigging mind, man! Once Deadman decides he wants to live again, the ring returns to him and scolds him for trying to pass his White Lantern duties off to Batman. You know, if I had that annoying-ass ring on my finger I think I'd rather stay dead... Batman doesn't bother to stick around to discover what the flaming hell had just happened(probably because he realized this comic sucked too), but does seem to remember who Max Lord was after his contact with the White ring. Oh, and Deadman and Dove begin swapping spit for some reason.

Well, that's it for me folks! I am finished! I just can't take it anymore! My well of forgiveness in regards to this series has FINALLY run dry. Yes, you read that correctly, my well of forgiveness is dry!!! This is the LAST Brightest Day review I will EVER post! Yep, the last......... Oh who am I kidding? We ALL know that isn't true. Yes, I dread reading this series. I hate ALL of the stories running through it. ALL of them! Whenever I buy a new issue I die just a little bit more on the inside. BUT, I have a BLAST ripping it! I mean, it's almost cathartic for me. So while I'm actually reading this junk, I'm a very angry individual, but tearing it to pieces on this blog actually makes it all worthwhile! So I'm done trying to look at this series objectively. I'm just going to read the rest of the series, curse myself for wasting my time/money, and then write the most sarcastic and scathing review I possibly can. So there you go. You've been duly warned. From this point forward, it's open season on Brightest Day, and I am coming after it in a goddamn tank, baby!

Score: 0 out of 10.If a magical ring appeared on my finger and made me dress like that I'd scream too!

A Rant on Brightest Day #13

Overall: *sigh* I've been avoiding this comic all last week, but before I read my new books, I guess I should get this out of the way... The only real question I have before reading this is just how bad will things get this issue? So this issue dealt ENTIRELY with the Hawkman/Hawkgirl/Hawkworld story... Which is the story I care the least about(which is actually saying something!)in this series. Hawkman runs around attacking evil hawkmen until one of them tells him where Hawkgirl is. Hawkgirl is being tortured by her mother and Hath-Set. They put her on a big gateway of bones, and this draws out Hawkman. Hawkman tries and fails to defeat Hawkgirl's evil mother, but Hawkgirl manages to kill Hath(even though she was pinned to the gateway by her hands). Hawkgirl's mother sticks Hawkman onto the gateway with Hawkgirl, and this act somehow opens a portal from Hawkworld to the Star Sapphire's homeworld of Zamaron. Why there? Who cares? Oh, and Deadman and Dove spend the last two pages of this issue trying to figure out who the White Lantern ring has been looking for, with Deadman figuring that maybe it's Bruce Wayne. Why does he think this? Who cares?

Who cares? Not I obviously. This issue was bad, this mini-series is bad, and DC's current direction is bad. But before people begin to bitch and moan about what I just typed, remember, that's simply a matter of opinion. What's NOT a matter of opinion is the fact that Marvel's comics sell much better than DC's books. Don't believe me? Check out the monthly sales charts and see which company has more books in the top 25. And people actually have the nerve to wonder why DC is(and probably always will be)second fiddle to Marvel.

Score: 2 out of 10.Well, at least the artwork was good...

Comic Gazing for: 4/28/10

Hey everybody, it's time for me to talk about how much money I'll be spending on comic books this week! That's right, it's Comic Gazing time!!! Before I get started though, there's something that has been eating at me for a while now, and if I don't get it off my chest, I think I might possibly explode... Be warned, I'm about to veer off into Rantsville, so if you're easily offended, you should definitely skip the next paragraph... Still here? OK, don't say you weren't warned... I don't know how many of my fellow comic book fans actually read that DC Nation thing in the back of most(if not all)DC comics, but on occasion, I'll read through them to see what the people behind DC feel like pimping/talking about. Well, in the recent DC comic books, Dan Didio, the co-publisher and top dog at DC, wrote a little piece about his love for the DCU, blah, blah, blah. Basically, a real fluff piece. However, there was one line in there that had me seeing red(yeah, I get angry easily!), here's what Dan said, "DC Comics has always been about growth and change, and its characters have a long, rich history going back to the Golden Age of Comics." I'm fine with the second part of that line, because DC DOES have a long, rich history, but how the flaming HELL can he have the unmitigated gall to say that DC Comics has always been about "growth and change"?!? Umm, are you kidding me!?! Maybe that statement was true back in the 90's, when DC actually did seem interested in trying out new ideas and new characters, but today??? Give me a break! Yeah, Hal Jordan taking over as Green Lantern sure provided some growth and change... Or Oliver Queen coming back as Green Arrow, or of course my favorite, Barry Allen returning as the Flash... WOW, what growth and change!!! How SHOCKINGLY different! Puh-lease! These are OLD characters who have taken spots away from characters who actually DID represent growth and change, Barry Allen returning doesn't represent growth! All he represents is a return to the 1970's! That would be like Ford deciding they were going to stop making cars and instead begin producing horse-drawn buggies... Sure, I guess that would be considered change, but it sure as HELL couldn't be considered growth! I wish I was on whatever Dan is on, because then maybe I could see "growth and change" from characters who represent the 1960's...

Whew... I sure needed that... OK, rant over, let's check out what comics I'll be picking up this week.

Action Comics #889: Since I haven't gotten around to reading issue #888 yet, there's not much I can say about this one... Interest Level: 4 1/2 out of 10.

Gotham City Sirens #11: This comic is almost always good, if unspectacular. I'm sure I'll enjoy it, but I doubt I'll be doing back flips after reading it. Interest Level: 7 1/2 out of 10.

Green Lantern Corps #47: Meh, wake me when this whole Brightest Day thing is over... Interest Level: 7 1/2 out of 10.

Justice League: The Rise of Arsenal #2: Ugh... Just thinking about this mini-series gives me a slight headache... If I wasn't a HUGE fan of poor Roy Harper, you can be sure I wouldn't be reading this, but alas, I have to see this through to the bitter end, no matter how much it pains me. Interest Level: 6 out of 10.

Justice Society of America #38: I've been enjoying the past couple of issues, and I'll be looking forward to seeing how the JSA turns the tables on the Forth Reich, who have managed to make themselves the undisputed rulers of America. Damn Nazis! Interest Level: 8 out of 10.

Outsiders #29: I had actually stopped reading this comic with issue #27, but since Looker is going to appear here, it looks like I'll be giving this series another shot after a one month hiatus! Interest Level: 7 out of 10.

Superman: Last Stand of New Krypton #3: Wow, already? I think this is the last part of the Last Stand mini, and if it is, it sure flew by! I have been extremely happy with the way this x-over has gone, and although there have been a few bumps in the road, for the most part, this storyline has been great. Interest Level: 9 1/2 out of 10.

Superman #699: This is a Last Stand x-over issue, and it's also the issue before what I'd expect to be a gala issue #700! This should be good. Interest Level: 9 out of 10.

Teen Titans #82: Umm, I haven't read the past two issues of this series... Whoops... I guess I'd better get to that! Interest Level: 5 1/2 out of 10.

Wonder Woman #43: This should be a very good issue of WW so long as we get a few answers as to what the hell was going on last issue! Interest Level: 7 1/2 out of 10.

Captain America #605: This is the last part of the Two Americas storyline which has been pretty good. But, pretty good for Ed Brubaker is the same as great for most other writers! Interest Level: 9 out of 10.

Deadpool #22: So long as there are no monkeys in this issue, I'll be happy. Interest Level: 7 out of 10.

Mighty Avengers #36: It's Ultron vs Pym! If you're an Avengers fan like I am, that's all you need to know! Interest Level: 9 out of 10.

New Avengers #64: Next... Interest Level: 0 out of 10.

Thor #609: This is a part of the Siege storyline, and to be perfectly honest, it has been a VERY good part of the Siege x-over! I'm definitely looking forward to reading this one. Interest Level: 8 out of 10.

Thunderbolts #143: Pretty much everything I said about Thor also pertains to this comic as well. Interest Level: 8 out of 10.

Wolverine Origins #47: And last but most certainly NOT least, Wolverine Origins! This is presumably crossing over with Dark Wolverine as Wolvie and his bad seed of a son team-up to take down Wolvie and Daken's longtime puppet master, Romulus. This is probably the book I'm most looking forward to this week. Interest Level: 9 1/2 out of 10.

And that'll do it. 17 books? That's a pretty good sized pull for me this week. The final score is DC 10 books and Marvel 7. However, to be honest, with the glaring exception of New Avengers, I'm probably more excited by the Marvel comics this week then the DC ones. Well, this was an eventful post... Until next time, Long Live The Legion!

Let's talk about: the DC Universe!

It's been a while since I've gone and done a “Let's Talk About:” post, mainly because most of the comic related stuff I've wanted to say I've been able to say during one of my other MANY posts. Lately though, I've been giving a lot of thought as to the current direction of the DCU, especially in light of the conclusion to Blackest Night. Before I really begin to get rolling here, be warned I WILL begin to rant and rave, so be prepared...

Although I have grown up exclusively reading Marvel Comics, the recent BENDISization of the Marvel Universe has caused my interest in Marvel to wane to the point where I'd consider DC my favorite comic company... At least for now. However, it really wouldn't take much for me to switch allegiances again, which is what this post is really all about. While Marvel seems to be getting it right(bringing back the REAL Avengers, while still holding onto the character development they've spent the past several years cultivating, be it good or bad), DC has been sucked into some sort of bizarre time warp. And the man responsible for DC comics vexing current direction? Why none other then the guy I've voted as my favorite comic writer for the past two consecutive years, Geoff Johns.

Let's take a look at what I'd suspect the year 2011 is going to look like in the DCU. Superman will be patrolling the streets of Metropolis, while Bruce Wayne will be Batman. The main Green Lantern will be Hal Jordan and the number one Flash will be SAINT Barry Allen. Other notable DC heroes would probably be Wonder Woman, Aquaman, the Martian Manhunter and Green Arrow... Now let's hop in the old time machine and go back a mere 10 years to the year 2000... The Trinity of Superman, Wonder Woman and Batman was intact(as it always should be), while the secondary DC heroes were actually different and interesting. Wally West was the main Flash, having taken over the role from his former mentor, SAINT Barry. Kyle Rayner was the prime Green Lantern, with Hal Jordan having gone insane and then sacrificing his life to save the Earth. Aquaman had gone through several changes which included him losing his kingdom and his hand, while Oliver Queen, Green Arrow, died saving Metropolis and was replaced by his son, Connor Hawke. The Martian Manhunter was still the Martian Manhunter, although even his usually boring origin was spruced up with the advent of the evil White Martians. Since I have the old time machine out, let's travel all the way back to the 1960's next. The Trinity was still in place, while the main Flash was SAINT Barry Allen with Hal Jordan serving as the prime Green Lantern. Other notable heroes included Aquaman, the Martian Manhunter and Green Arrow... Sound familiar? It should, it's the exact same as what I figure 2011 will look like.

Now, I have to ask myself why this is... Why is DC(under the stewardship of Geoff)undoing YEARS of stories and character development and bringing us all to the 1960's? And the thing is, it's not only the big name characters who are suffering DC's bizarre flashback-itis, it's the secondary characters as well. Take Roy Harper for example. Back in the late 70's, Roy was a childless former sidekick who was struggling to find his place, while resorting to drugs to help him along. In the mid 00's, Roy had become a member of the JLA, was a father, had kicked his habit and was standing on his own two feet. Now? Roy's a childless former hero with no place, resorting to drugs to help himself along. I wonder how long it is before Dick Grayson is back in the speedo, hopping around Batman while shouting, “Holy machine gun umbrella, Batman!”. Marvel went through a similar phase back in the early 00's, but they handled it in a much more sensible way. They created a line of comics(the Ultimate books)that took their most famous franchises and rebooted them, while still allowing the mainstream Marvel Universe to continue to grow, change and expand. So you were able to read about dead/older characters from back when they were younger. Peter Parker was no longer a married man trying to make ends meet, he was a timid high school student living a double life once again. Cyclops wasn't the leader of all things mutant, he was still a student at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, trying to get his powers under control. DC DID actually do something similar with their All-Star line, but instead of growing it, they allowed it to fall into disarray, or maybe they realized since the mainstream DCU had BECOME the All-Star world, they didn't need to continue that line anymore.

I'm not saying it's all good over at Marvel, because it most DEFINITELY isn't! Marvel has their fair share of problems/gaffs(mainly the whole, “No more Mutants” decree), but they seem to be slowly attempting to right them while moving forward, not trying to completely turn back the clock like their Distinguished Competition. It's sad because I have enjoyed becoming a fan of the DCU. I've enjoyed reading about its myriad of heroes from the 1930's to today, but I just don't think ignoring the past 30 years worth of stories is the way to go. I will admit that some characters(such as Hal Jordan)do deserve a second chance at life because of the unsatisfying way they met their fate, but that doesn't mean EVERY major character who has died in the past 30 years also needs to be returned to life! Some deaths fit, were hugely important and should have had some permanence to them. My favorite example of that is of course the Flash, SAINT Barry Allen. SAINT Barry died in an attempt to save the multiverse. He died the hero's death, he was mourned and was replaced by his sidekick, everything seemed in order, it all made perfect sense story wise and didn't at all seem forced, shouldn't that have been the end of his tale? The same can be said for the Martian Manhunter and Aquaman. Sure they have their own legion of fans(I'd consider myself a fan of the latter), but DC KILLED them off. Shouldn't that mean something? Now they're back, for very little reason that I can fathom, probably to continue doing what they were doing 40 years ago... Umm, eating cookies and talking to dolphins I guess... Am I saying that we should ignore the Silver Age DC heroes, and only concentrate on the DC heroes who were active in the 90's/00's? No of course not, but we should also move forward, not back, which is unfortunately the only direction Geoff Johns and the current brain trust over at DC seem capable of heading... Well there we go, I've stuck my head in the hornet's nest and am ready to be stung!

Booster Gold #29, JSA All-Stars #3 & Superman #697. Plus a bonus rant against Geoff Johns?!? Wha???

Now that I have all of my midterms and papers finished and out of the way(for now...), I can devote a little bit more time to my favorite pastime, comic books! Before I get into the reviews, a word to the wise... Although this post reviews three DC comics, I have a pretty large pile of Marvel comic books that I'll probably start getting into soon. I only say this because I know that most of my regulars are more DC oriented people, as is evident by the fact that I always get WAY more comments on my DC related posts then my Marvel related posts. So as to not annoy my DC X-Maniacs, I'll make sure to try to add at least one DC review to every couple of Marvel reviews I post, that way everybody is happy! Aren't I the greatest?

Booster Gold #29: Writer/Artist: Dan Jurgens.

We have a couple of converging storylines happening here, so I'll try to keep this review as linear as humanly possible... That's code for: if this review sucks, don't blame me! I'll start off with Booster Gold sister, Michelle, who has been living in the past since she split from her brother. After coming face to face with Cyborg Superman in Coast City during the Reign of the Supermen storyline from a few years ago, Michelle remembers that Cyborg Supes is responsible for the utter annihilation of Coast City, and as such she does what any sane human being would do in a similar situation, she gets the hell away from Cyborg Supes! Michelle heads back to her boyfriend and tries to warn him that Coast City is about to be vaporized, but he is hesitant to believe her, since she won't give him any reason other then the vague, “I know what will happen in the future”. While this is going on, the woman who tried to assassinate Cyborg Supes before he becomes a maniacal Cyborg from last issue arrives in pre-annihilated Coast City and begins to hunt down the nefarious Cyborg. Booster Gold is summoned by Rip Hunter, who warns Booster that he has to head to Coast City and prevent the woman from killing the Cyborg, even though it means 7 million people will die at the hands of the evil Cyborg. Booster reluctantly follows Rip's orders, and heads into the past to Coast City and finds the woman(whose name is Sondra Crain, by the way). Booster tries to reason with Sondra by telling her that as awful as it sounds, Cyborg Supes MUST destroy Coast City in order to protect the integrity of the timestream. Sondra eventually manages to convince Booster that it would be wrong to stand by and allow seven million people to die in Coast City, and just as it seems like Booster is about to take a stand and do the right thing, Cyborg Superman and Mongol's plan to destroy Coast City gets underway... D'oh!

Oh yeah, I really enjoyed this story. As a matter of fact, the past couple of issues of this series(especially the last two issues)have been really strong. In particular, I'm loving this story and the moral choices it is forcing Booster to make... Does he stand by and allow the past to unfold as it was originally intended to, as Rip Hunter has been telling/ordering him to do, or does he take a stand and do what seems like the right thing to do, even though that would mean altering the timeline... Pretty deep, no? If I were Booster, knowing what I know, I don't see how he can't prevent Cyborg Superman from destroying Coast City... Not only would you be saving seven million innocent beings, but perhaps as importantly, saving Coast City would prevent Hal Jordan from going insane with grief, destroying the Green Lantern Corps and becoming Parallax... Then again, if Hal doesn't become Parallax, he would never gain enough power to defeat the Sun Eater and save the entire Earth... Huh... Damn it, Rip was right!!! Jeez, as awful as it may be, I guess Coast City has to die or there would never be a Parallax, and no Parallax means the Earth would die. What a downer... See, you know a comic book is really good when it makes you think THAT much after reading it!

Score: 8 1/2 out of 10.Hmm, I wonder just how many times Booster has been smacked by a woman...

JSA All-Stars #3: Writer: Matthew Sturges. Artist: Freddie Williams II

Johnny Sorrow, still a bit miffed that his Injustice League lost Stargirl last issue, cuts out the heart of one of his underlings to present as a sacrifice to some evil god he is worshiping... Note to self: if you ever turn to crime, DO NOT work for Johnny Sorrow... Meanwhile, the All-Stars decide that although they don't know where Sorrow is, it would be in their best interests to train ultra hard in preparation for his eventual return. Oh, and they learn that Atom Smasher was missing as well. Unbeknownst to them, it appears Atom Smasher has been abducted by some kind of evil magician. From there we go to several pages of the All-Stars training their hand to hand fighting techniques, which leads to an all out brawl between Power Girl and Magog over what kind of tactics they should be using. Magog favors killing his enemies, while PG is obviously against that, so the two decide to release some of their frustrations by beating the hell out of each other. Unsurprisingly, PG gets the best of that, which leads to Magog storming away. Later on, the All-Stars learn that Magog was responsible for a jail break(which happened in the terrible Magog series), and they decide to go after him(which occurs in the JSA Annual). This issue ends with Sand being visited by his mentor the Sandman in a dream, and being warned that “The Cycle” was about to occur, and that he had best to alert the JSA.

Not bad. Not bad at all. Granted, this wasn't the best comic book I've ever read or anything, but it was perfectly acceptable. The story was coming together, and I like the tension that exists between Magog and... well, everybody else on the All-Stars. Unfortunately, it looks as if Magog leaves the team as a result of what happened in the JSA Annual, but I'm still interested enough in this series to stick around to see just what Johnny Sorrow's master plan is.

Score: 7 out of 10.Here's a quick and helpful tip for Mr. Magog... Unless your name is Wonder Woman, DON'T try to take Power Girl in a fist fight...

Superman #697: Writer: James Robinson. Pencils: Bernard Chang.

This issue opens with Mon-El, Guardian and the forces of General Lane discovering that Control at the Science Police was actually the shape-shifting Chameleon of the Legion of Super-Heroes. Needless to say, nobody is overly pleased to find out about this chicanery, and Lane sends his men to capture the sneaky Durlan. Before Lane's forces can take out Chameleon, a robot from the future appears and attacks Lane, Guardian and Mon-El, allowing Chameleon to make his escape. Mon-El and Guardian give chase, but Guardian is blasted out of the sky by the idiot Starman from the Legion/JSA and Mon is taken out by several of Chameleon's Legion teammates. After that, Mon goes around and whines to his girlfriend, Steel and Superboy about how hard it is trying to live up to Supes, the junk with the Legion, as well as a few other problems he's having. While he's in Smallville complaining to Superboy, Superboy manages to set up a meeting between Mon and the Legion which crosses over with Adventure Comics #8, which as luck would have it just arrived in the mail today!

Umm yeah, I really didn't like this issue at all... For the most part, NOTHING of note happened... And the stuff that did happen I didn't like at all... I've said it ad nauseam, but I'll say it again, I HATE the original Legion... They shouldn't be! Uh-oh, I feel a rant coming on... Once again, this is a case of Geoff Johns run amok! You all know I like Geoff and all, but jeez, the guy has a really unhealthy fixation with DC's Golden/Silver Age... Here's a quick crash course on the Legion. They're a bunch of teenagers from the 30th/31st century who have banded together to deal with the adult run government, as well as dealing with whatever threats came their way. The original Legion met Superman back when he was still Superboy and living in Smallville. They shared some adventures, and eventually Supes grew up. After Zero Hour, DC changed up the Legion's origin, so as to revert them back to their teenage years. After that, in the mid-2000's, DC re-re-booted the Legion again(the Threeboot Legion)and built the team up from scratch, once again reverting the team members to their teenage roots as well as redoing the team origin. While the Threeboot Legion was still around, Geoff Johns decided to bring back the original Legion, and reincorporate them into Superman's life... This(along with bad sales)led to the cancellation of the Threeboot Legion, which is something I'm still sore about to this day... But my immense displeasure at the original Legion goes farther then that... Common sense tells us that Superman is probably at the very least 30 years old... Although I'd be willing to bet that he's even older then that. That would mean that the original members of the Legion that teenage Superman use to hang out with are probably approximately the same age as Supes is. And yet they still go by codenames that end in boy, girl, lad and lass... What the hell is that all about?!? What thirty year olds still refers to themselves as Cosmic “Boy” or Saturn “Girl”??? Not only that, but the entire backstory of the Legion(that they're kids fighting against an unfair system)doesn't work anymore because they ARE adults now, and as such, ARE a part of the system... It was fine when Geoff brought the JSA from the Golden Era into the Modern one. I was fine with him rebooting Hal Jordan back to his Silver Age self. But returning the Silver Age Flash(Barry Allen)and the Golden Age Legion is just a bit too much for me to stomach! We get it, Geoff Johns LOVES DC's vast past. That's great, DC's long and illustrious past SHOULD be respected... Just not at the expense of everything that has happened during DC's Modern Age... Wow, I sure got offtrack there, didn't I? The bottom line to all this is the fact that I didn't enjoy this comic at all, and that I don't understand why I'm reading about a Legion that should have died several decades ago... LONG LIVE THE THREEBOOT LEGION!!!

Score: 4 1/2 out of 10.You should be sorry... For doing this to this series!!!