Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Throwback Tuesday: Featuring Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #7

Hey X-Maniacs, Todd Squad or whatever you guys prefer to be called, JT here with the second edition of Throwback Tuesday! After the warm reception X got with the inaugural post last week, I've been pretty excited to get my shot at this feature. Just like last week when X let me choose his book, I decided to let him choose what I would review, and I immediately regretted that decision when I saw the cover of this issue. So, let's take a trip back to 1955 and see what the Man of Steel and the Boy of annoyance, Superman and Jimmy Olsen, are up to.

Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #7

Summary: This issue starts with Perry White announcing how the Daily Planet is covering the Marble shooting contest that Superman will judge for some reason. He says they'll market it like Major League Baseball, which is sad considering how little people seem to care about baseball now. Anyway, Perry means serious business, because this is the biggest headline ever, as it takes up the ENTIRE FIRST PAGE of the newspaper, and there's not even room for a picture. Perry then announces one of the competitors got sick and they need a replacement, and instead of having someone earn that spot, they give it to Jimmy, because why the hell not? Jimmy is told by Perry to put on a shirt that says "MIB Masters" and he'll enter him officially, because they apparently gave Perry a shirt to give to whoever he deemed worthy of flicking Marbles. Perry gives Jimmy multiple afternoons off to practice, because if you have employees that are there to learn, just pay them to play marbles. Great business skills Perry, you must still be smoking those whacky cigars. Superman sees Jimmy practicing and helps because Jimmy is outmatched by competing against people who have practiced for weeks. So... because they worked hard to win a contest they care about, Superman is going to help Jimmy who literally JUST FOUND OUT THIS EXISTED! Jimmy wins the first round and he and Superman scout out the competitors because Superman has nothing better to do with his time or powers, and Perry doesn't give a fuck what his employees do when they should be working. They come across the kid that will inevitably face Jimmy in the finals...since it's on the cover of the comic, and his manager, Cyrus Colby, who makes Target brand marbles. Not that Target. Anyway, Jimmy and Target kid, who must have given up his name and image for this, since that's all he's called for this issue and he even wears a shirt that says "Target Kid", meet up to face for the Marble championship. Jimmy's favorite Aggie, which Google says is a glass Marble, is stolen and replaced by the dastardly Colby! Aw hell naw! Before the finals, Superman shows he's a dick and steals their thunder by shooting marbles with super speed and shooting one through a heavy plate of steel. He then flies to space and brings back meteors and plays marbles with those... thanks Superman... I'm sure the finals will be super interesting after watching that. After further showing off, Superman breaks one marble with another, and the marble he got from Colby has a small bead of metal inside it, so instead of calling him a cheater, Superman takes some time to ponder what this could mean! In the finals, it comes down to 56 points for Jimmy Olsen and 56 points for Target Kid. (It actually SAYS that!) Jimmy misses two shots and Superman notices something fishy and uses his X-Ray vision to find a magnet underground which is messing up Jimmy's shots... cause... Colby went through all this trouble to do this. Superman melts the magnet with his heat vision, but not the grass or ground or anything because THAT would make sense, and Jimmy wins. Superman calls Colby out for cheating, then takes him to jail, because apparently rigging Marble games with a magnet is a crime punishable with Jail time in Metropolis. ("What are you in for? Cheating at Marbles?! You're the third guy this week!") Afterwards, Jimmy sees the former Target Kid crying like a chump because he knows he only won those other rounds because Colby cheated, so Superman flies over and picks him up (?!) and informs him that in Colby's confession he said he only needed the magnet in a few key matches, so the kid has skills. But if you had to win them all, aren't they ALL key matches?! The issue ends when Perry White slips on some Marbles and yells at Jimmy, as we find out their actually sour balls that the marble people sent Jimmy as a thanks for some really stupid reason.

Thoughts: Really Superman? You flew to SPACE....to get METEORS... to play marbles. THIS is what you did with your time? Do you know how many people Parasite is killing while you play these games?! This is why Batman resents you. Also... How the hell do you go to jail for rigging a MARBLE contest?! This is a contest Jimmy got into by putting on a shirt, yet if you're clever enough to make marbles with metal in them, slip them onto your opponent, and use a fucking magnet that you can turn on via remote in 1955, you're going directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect your 200 dollars! Also, who is stupid enough to cheat in anything when you know for a fact Superman will be there to judge the event?! Anyway, if we learned anything from this comic, it's this, Don't waste your life practicing for things or having goals or trying to be good, because Jimmy Olsen will come along and beat you with minimal practice, and even if you decide to cheat, he'll STILL beat you, because he has the most powerful being in the planet in his back pocket, then after he beats you and destroys your dreams, he's going to go fuck up Perry White's coffee order, because while he may be a Demi-God when it comes to winning stupid games, he still can't remember four sugars and two creams.

Pages in this story: 8 (All that review from eight pages?!)
# of Times "Marble" appears: 34
# of Times "Aggie" appears: 9


  1. Another solid Throwback Tuesday! I guess kids really were smarter back in the day if they could think up such an ingenious magnet plan. I'm not sure of many who could top that plan for marble conquest. As for Superman using meteors to play marbles....that sounds insanely awesome!

  2. LMFAO effing love it.

    I still can't understand how people during this time could read these comics and not see how funny they are lol. Lol who flies to space to get meteors to play marbles? Like you said...he had nothing better to do with his time. Lol. People dying left and right but oh wait...Supes needs to play with his marbles, lol. I wonder if they would've gotten the death penalty for having a cock fighting ring and cheating lol.

    Love this post.

  3. Thanks for the comments guys :D Glad you liked it, as this post was fun to write because of how absurd that comic was. Superman and his meteoric game of Marbles will always be stuck in my head somewhere now, when I see him flying into space I'll always think he's going to play marbles now, then I'll be sorely disappointed when he doesn't.

  4. Lol. I could never see Batman taking the time to play marbles with some kids lol.