Thursday, April 28, 2011

Brightest Day #24! The FINAL Rant!

Well, this is it... The end has finally arrived. With this issue, Brightest Day has finally come to an end, having thoroughly destroyed all of my faith in DC Comics. This has undoubtedly been the worst year DC has ever been through creatively since I've been reading their books, hands down. And you know what the really sad thing is? That it's going to continue... Here's hoping the Green Lantern movie bombs at the theaters and DC finally smartens up and hands somebody besides Chairman Johns the keys to the kingdom. But sadly, I know that's not going to happen... No, Chairman Johns will continue telling stories that amuse him and his boy, Dan Didio, while burying everything that's happened in the DCU between 1985 and 2004. *sigh* Well on that cheerful note, let's get this roving show of HORROR moving! As always, I'll be scoring this comic using Brightest Day Rules, which basically means that I'm expecting this to be the WORST comic I've ever read. As good events/things I like happen, I add points. As dumb events/things I don't like happen, I deduct points... Expect to see A LOT of points deducted...

Brightest Day #24(of 24!!!!! It's finally over!):

Summary: Good thing DC is still holding the line at $2.99, right! Oh wait... Never mind... God, I really don't want to do this... Well, much like pulling off a band-aid, let's do it nice and fast! That Damned White Lantern tells us the story of Swamp Thing(or at least the Chairman Johns version of the story), and explains that Swamp Thing ISN'T Alec Hollard, it just THOUGHT it was... Oh, well then everything makes sense now! Or not... Now Swamp Thing thinks it's Nekron, because it has a REAL bad personality disorder or something. That Damned White Lantern wants to make Swamp Thing and Alec Hollard one and the same(But that was retconned ages ago...) and purge Nekron's influence from Swamp Thing. However, poor old Alec is dead, and in order for him to come back to life, somebody else has to die... Wait, wait, wait... That Damned White Lantern brought back like twelve people at the end of Blackest Night. NOW it can't even bring back ONE?! To that end, it tells Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang to FINALLY throw his boomerang at Dove just as EVIL Swamp Thing invades Starwood Forest. Comically, Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang doesn't want to! HA!!! All he he's had to do is throw that goddamn boomerang and he STILL doesn't want to! This is just insanely bad! After some cajoling from That Damned White Lantern, Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang finally does throw the boomerang at Dove, which is enough to get him his life back... Yeah, THAT was sure worth it. Hawk can't catch the boomerang(SERIOUSLY?! He's had a frigging year to learn how to catch a boomerang!!!) but luckily for Dove, Deadman kind of wanders into the path of the boomerang and dies... Again. Well sure, why not. With Deadman dead again, That Damned White Lantern is able to return Alec to life. For some reason, the trees all wrap around him and he becomes Swamp Thing... Wait, according to this, he was NEVER Swamp Thing before, so why would the trees immediately cling to him as if he was? Anyway, Swamp Thing grows enormous and then, like a scene out of a bad Godzilla movie, Swamp Thing and EVIL Swamp Thing duke it out giant style... I can't believe what I'm reading... Chairman Johns MUST be completely insane by this point... The Swamp Things battle, but Swamp Thing is able to use the powers of the elements to blast EVIL Swamp Thing, weakening it. Swamp Thing then stabs EVIL Swamp Thing, which kills it... Really? That's all it took?!? Back on the ground, Dove is mourning Deadman's death(she shouldn't have been surprised, his name IS Deadman!), while That Damned White Lantern, just to be a jerk I guess, turns Deadman back into a spirit again, thus rendering EVERYTHING that's happened to him this past year completely and utterly pointless. With EVIL Swamp Thing dead, Swamp Thing releases the four elements from... um, inside of him, bringing Aquaman, Firestorm(s), the Martian Manhunter(or Earth Manhunter if you prefer) and Hawkman back to life... But wait! Where's Hawkgirl?! Well, according to Swamp Thing, she's not there, but is a part of the air now... That's almost dumb beyond belief. So she basically DOES what she was supposed to, helps defeat EVIL Swamp Thing and gets the royal shaft?! Yup. And to make matters even worse, That Damned White Lantern tells us that everybody did what they were supposed to do, and as such had earned their second chance at life... Except for Hawk, who didn't catch that boomerang. Instead of, you know, KILLING Hawk since he didn't earn his life, That Damned White Lantern says good-bye to everybody and teleports away... So wait. Hawkgirl DID accomplish her mission and was rewarded by becoming the air(basically dying), while Hawk didn't do squat and is punished by That Damned White Lantern mildly scolding him?!?!?!? With all of that stupidity done with, we move to the epilogue portion of things. Aquaman and Mera have Atlantian problems(surprise, surprise...), the Martian/Earth Manhunter is a swell guy, Hawkman is pissed(and really, why shouldn't he be?!), the Firestorms believe they're going to detonate, and Swamp Thing is attacking and killing business men who polluted the waters... Take THAT big oil! This issue ends with John Constantine looking over the scene of carnage Swamp Thing left behind and succinctly summing up this entire series in one word, “bollocks”

Thoughts: Okay, first things first, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let that be the ONLY time Chairman Johns writes John Constantine. Because I don't think my mind could stand it if Chairman Johns went and destroyed Constantine like he does everything else he touches. Let's get started with a -1 for wasting space with a Swamp Thing origin. That's what Wikipedia is for! -2 for the stupid Captain Universe rip-off with the elementals attacking EVIL Swamp Thing. And a -1 just because there IS an EVIL Swamp Thing! -10 for Captain Boomerang not wanting to throw that boomerang at Dove... I mean the whole POINT of him is that he throws boomerangs!!! +2 for Hawk screwing up and not catching the boomerang, just because it made me laugh. -100 for That Damned White Lantern suddenly being unable to bring Alec Holland back to life without somebody else dying... I mean what the HELL is THAT?! How does that make ANY sense?! Was 12 as many people as it could bring back to life or something?! I mean that just makes NO sense whatsoever! On top of that, I'm going to give another -200 because if Hawk WOULD have caught the boomerang, That Damned White Lantern's plans would have been foiled, since nobody would have died... Seriously, think about that for a second... Somebody had to die to bring Alec back to life, right? Now all Not Old, Not Bald, Not Fat Captain Boomerang had to do was throw the boomerang at Dove, he didn't have to kill her to accomplish his goal. Hawk was supposed to catch the boomerang, which would have saved Dove, thus NOBODY would have died, meaning That Damned White Lantern wouldn't have been able to bring Alec back, meaning EVIL Swamp Thing would have won... You know what, ANOTHER -100 for that huge plot hole. -25 for the Godzilla-esque battle between the two Swamp Things, and a -5 for how easily Swamp Thing killed EVIL Swamp Thing... Can you say anti-climatic? While we're riding the minus train, a -25 for Hawkgirl dying/disappearing/turning to air/whatever happened to her, and another -25 for Hawk not getting punished in the least for not accomplishing his mission! I mean really?! However, a +30 for That Damned White Lantern disappearing, hopefully never to be seen, nor spoken of again. You don't know how much that smart-ass Lantern pissed me off at times... As for the epilogues, a 0 for the Aquaman one, because I could care less, a -2 for the Earth Manhunter one because it was so damn sappy, a +7 for the Hawkman one, because he was really screwed over here, and a +1 for the Firestorm(s) one. As for Swamp Thing, a -3 for his part. So he's a crazed environmentalist murderer now? Um, way to go and protect life, White Lantern... I guess... However, I'm gonna end the scoring of this Brightest Failure(HA!) on a positive note, and go with a +40 for the Constantine appearance at the end. Now if DC screws up Constantine's character, goes and makes him into a kinder/gentler Constantine or something like that, then that +40 becomes a -1,000,000... So there we have it. The end of one of the worst series ever put out by either of the big two. As a matter of fact, I'd easily put Brightest Day right up there with Secret Invasion, which currently holds the top spot as the worst event comic I've ever read. So congratulations DC, you've officially hit rock bottom. On the plus side, the only direction to go now is up. As for me? All I have left to do is tally up the score and I can finally close the book on this train wreck. Too bad DC can't do the same...

Score: -419 out of 10. All right! My lowest score ever! Take a bow, Chairman Johns!I couldn't have said it better myself.

40 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. HEY was that godzilla comment saying godzilla films in gerneral are bad? or just pointing out spicificaly certian bad godzilla films (like the 1998 american remake lol)
    :(
    and while i dont have any interest in brightest day as a whole (specialy at how loudly you and evreyone says its horid)
    the idea of swamp thing and an evil version battleing it out intreages me a lot lol
    one qustion when did swamp thing die?

    also what did u thank of blackest night as a whole?

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  3. Lmao @ the Imperfect score tag. First off, this may be the most sympatico review we've EVER had, I mean, I reviewed everything today except Morning Glories and Venom and my review and yours are damn near identical. Second, WHAT THE FUCK is that shit that someone had to die to bring him back, and if THATS the case, why not let Boston STAY DEAD IN THE FIRST PLACE AND BRING BACK ALEC?!

    Oh, and Killing Hawkgirl but not Hawk for not doing his goal was by far one of the most stupid things I've ever read, and why we're at it, awesome job pointing out the plot hole of him catching the boomerang. Lastly, does NO ONE care that the Anti-Monitor is back? Goddammit I hated this series so much....

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  4. HA! No, that would be the BAD Godzilla films. I even made sure to say a scene from a "bad" Godzilla movie! I'm sure you know which Godzilla movies would be considered the "bad" ones... I'd definitely classify that recent one in that category.

    And trust me, you didn't miss much with the Swamp Thing battle... It didn't last nearly as long as you would thing, maybe like 4 pages tops. As for when Swamp Thing died, I honestly don't know... I have a few ST issues/trades, but I def wouldn't call myself an expert on Swamp Thing(especially the past few series).

    I honestly would have to say that I liked like 80% of Blackest Night. I mean I'm pretty sure I gave the first issue a perfect score, and I was even kind to the last issue score-wise. Sure there were some problems with Blackest Night(White Lantern Sinestro immediately springs to mind), but it was 1,000,000,000 times better than Brightest Day was.

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  5. Man, JT... I'm pissed that my shop didn't have Morning Glories for me.

    Anyway, RIGHT?!? Why the HELL did somebody have to die for Alec to come back?! It flew counter to like everything that happened at the end of Blackest Night! I mean seriously, are you telling me that Chairman Johns is now screwing up his OWN stories?!? Is he not content with simply screwing up everyone else's stories?!

    HA! I am SO glad you picked up on many of the same things that really bugged me... The Hawkgirl dying/Hawk getting mildly scolded just left me with my mouth hanging open! I mean HE DIDN'T ACCOMPLISH HIS MISSION!!!!!! Why is he STILL alive?!? And the boomerang thing just blew my mind when I really thought about it... Shouldn't the White Lantern have NOT wanted anybody to catch the boomerang?! GAH! It was just SO bad! Now you know how I felt after reading Secret Invasion, because THIS is definitely DC's version of that horrible event.

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  6. I was unaware you finished the trade/were all caught up. If ya are, how ya liking it so far? Will we ever get a post? :P

    I still don't understand why Reverse Flash was brought back even though he was already alive, yet someone had to "die" to be resurrected. Also, what was the point for the whole focus on Dove (Don Hall) for the last two years if it didn't lead to a goddamn thing?!

    What I didn't understand about that crap was... why the hell did anyone have to do ANYTHING?! If Hawk didn't have to do shit, why did Boomer have to throw it if there was nothing to lose?! Same with Max Lord or Osiris or ANYONE?! And why waste time bringing back people like Jade and Osiris who had NOTHING TO DO WITH BRIGHTEST DAY instead of bringing ALEC? God this pisses me off so much.

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  7. The answer to that question is no. No I'm NOT caught up. :P I'm not done with the trade yet, but I DO want the singles since they seem to get snatched up so quickly. So yeah, even though I'm not ready to read it, I do want to have it on hand for when I AM ready!

    JT, your guess is as good as mine. One of the weirdest things to come out of Blackest Night was Reverse Flash being brought "back" to life, even though he WAS alive, just in the future... Plus he literally had to do NOTHING! I guess right there we should have realized that Chairman Johns was starting to slip up quality-wise. As for Dove? I'm totally at a loss for words. There seemed like there was a story to be told there, and yet it's just dropped and ignored... I truly don't get it.

    Again, I can relate. Honestly, some of the people who DID do what they were supposed to(Osiris, Hawkgirl, Deadman) seem to have made out way worse then the one who didn't... It's just completely baffling. Horrible, horrible stuff...

    When are we getting the JT special on this issue? And will it be a stand alone post, or a part of this week's R&R?

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  8. Haha so it's gonna be another Generation Lost in other words eh? :P One day you'll read it and the next day it'll come out in a special 20 year anniversary edition.

    Agreed, people who DID the damn thing pretty much just died while Hawk didn't do a DAMN thing and still got to live and have all of his powers. Also, Why the hell did Aquaman come back with a hand? Also, isn't ALL this crap gonna get retconned do to Flashpoint ANYWAY?!

    This week's R&R actually my friend. Next week's R&R will only have two issues though so I'm thinking of bumping next week's R&R and adding those issues to the week after and next week doing two posts, 5 Reasons you should read Invincible, and What I Learned From: Brightest Day. Sound good to you?

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  9. HA! The important thing is that I WILL read it! Eventually... Probably...... :P

    I totally forgot to mention Aquaman's hand! When I was flipping through the comic looking for a page to scan I saw it when he was on the beach with Mera and was like, "Wait, what?!" Then I flipped back and saw that he had it when he flew out of Swamp Thing... I'm telling you, Chairman Johns is now out-Bendising Bendis, back when Bendis was HORRIBLE!

    Ah, cool. I thought maybe it would get it's own post like #23. I can't wait to see the score you give this one! And JT? You had me at "What I Learned From Brightest Day"! :D

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  10. Lol give MG to your sister, I'm sure she'll love it then you'll wanna read it even more. :P

    Lol @ out Bendising Bendis. I just don't get why they'd do all of this in order to retcon half the shit like the whole Aquaman thing?

    Yeah the only reason that happened is because I read that first and it ruined my mood completely! So I started with some other stuff, namely Deadpool which was AWESOME by the way. And glad you're looking forward to it haha, Than it shall be done.

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  11. That's probably not a bad idea actually... I mean when I pick it up again, I'll probably start it over since it's ben so long since I last read it.

    Honestly, what did Brightest Day accomplish? Why not just bring back those 12 characters after BN and leave it at that? If Johns had such a hankering to bring back Swamp Thing, he could have easily done it in an issue of GL or something else he writes. Why go through ALL this for basically nothing. You know, as much as I hated it, at least Secret Invasion DID lead to something(Siege->Heroic Age). BD added nothing and was oh so bad...

    Sweet, I'll def bump Pool up a few spots. After Pool's space adventure, I wasn't exactly looking that forward to it.

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  12. See, once again I prove how genius I am by making a awesome suggestion. No wonder I'm co-owner of this blog, sorry ya had to find out this way. :P

    That's such a good point, it really did accomplish nothing. I mean not a damn thing. Not for Green Arrow, not for the Birds of Prey, not for the JLA, not GLC or Green Lantern, all of that stuff could've happened after Blackest Night without doing Brightest Day....

    All I'm gonna say is this about that comic X, The Return of Blind Al.

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  13. And that's the last compliment you get from me. :P

    Seriously! Why not just put all of those characters in their own comics and just play out their stories there. You know, put them on the JLA(they could REALLY use a boost from like the Earth Manhunter, Aquaman, Hawkman, etc), or hell, anywhere else and they could have dealt with suddenly being alive again, instead of whatever this was supposed to be all about!

    AWESOME!!!!!

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  14. Lol see, I can't take any compliments. :)

    Couldn't agree more. Drop Congorilla and Mikhail and the rest of those D-Listers and add One arm Arthur, Earth Manunter and Hawkman with his beautiful wife, the wind.

    I figured you'd mark out for that.

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  15. Brightest Day really has been a great experiment in poor storytelling. It seems like Johns is concerned only with introducing new changes to the universe in each issue, rather than, you know...actually telling a coherent story (much less a good one). I'm happy for you guys that this series is over and that your weekly $2.99 will now hopefully go to a better comic!

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  16. HAHAHAHA! I LOVE IT! :D Especially the "HA!" after the "Brightest Failure" comment! :D

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  17. You can't take any compliments, JT... It's sad really. :P

    HA! The thought of Hawkman marrying the wind is strangely comical to me... I'm not sure why though... And yes, dropping Congorilla would be the FIRST thing that should be done in that series!

    I actually just finished reading that Pool comic and I LOVED it too!

    Yeah, I truly believe that Johns is only interested in telling stories that amuse him and a few other older fans. Oh well.

    I was hoping you'd catch that, Caz! Once I saw my chance to add Brightest Failure to the review, I had to laugh! That is such a fitting name for this series! :P

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  18. I love your reviews X, but I gotta bring up the elephant in the room. You just bought 24 issues of a series you hated! Why?

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  19. HA! I'm glad you brought it up, Paul! I've mentioned it fleetingly here and there, but I'm an obsessive collector... I can't help it! It's terrible!! Once I had collected the first... like 12, 13 issues of BD, I kept going, figuring, "Well you've gone this far, you might as well collect the rest!" It's SO difficult for me to just DROP a series, because I'll always think, "But what if the NEXT issue is the one that turns the title around?!" Granted, I KNEW Brightest Day wasn't going to get any better(for me at least), but there's that crazy part in me that HAD to have them all... Yeah, I know, I'm crazy...

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  20. Geez. Look at all the stuff I missed. Lmao. Well, I don't know if anything I say hasn't been said already but, X, I would like to thank you for putting up with read this garbage comic series that wasted a year of peoples lives, money and time. These have been the greatest reviews to read. And, dude, I'm coming over to the Marvel side. I shall join you in the glorious world of reading Marvel comics. Lol.

    With this review and what JT told me when he came over today, lol, I am happy I didn't keep buying this crap.

    Great review X. Freaking awesome.

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  21. I guess I understand the obsessive collector thing. I bought a good chunk of Countdown before I forced myself to stop getting it. That series was to me what Brightest Day is for you. :)

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  22. HA, the pleasure was all mine, Lisha. That's actually another reason I kept buying/reading/reviewing Brightest Day... Because even though I(OBVIOUSLY!) didn't like the story itself, I did have some fun ripping on it, and I could at least take solace in the fact that there were some people out there who got a kick out of my(oftentimes) insane gibberish! As for getting you to cross over to the Marvel side? BWA-HAHAHAHAH!!! I've finally done it Master Quesada! I've begun corrupting them all for you!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! *ahem* Just... um, ignore all that please... :P

    I actually picked up ALL of Countdown off of eBay, even after hearing only negative things about it, Paul... I read the first three issues or so and then packed it away! Besides being an obsessive collector, I also have NO self-control! It's a terrible mix! :D

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  23. Aww. As long as you enjoyed ripping it then it's all good.

    And since you've converted me to the Marvel side like some type of cult leader, I'll be leaning on you for some good recommendations. lol. ;-)

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  24. Exactly. At least some good came out of reading BD... I was able to get REALLY creative with my reviews, that's for sure!

    I like the whole, "cult leader" thing... All I need now are a few more followers and it'll all be good! :P

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  25. Glad some good did come out of the horrid BD.

    Lol. Only you would like being a cult leader. I love it!! And as a member I think it's my duty to find you some followers. Lol.

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  26. HA! If you can find me some followers, Lisha, you can be my... um, High Priestess of something! :D

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  27. I like that. "X's high priestess" I think You've started a something. ;)

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  28. Sweet! All of my plans are finally coming together! :D

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  29. Lol. I gotta stop saying his name.

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  30. HA! It's true! Whenever one of us says his name, BAM, there he is! It's kind of creepy actually...

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  31. Stalkerish is a great way of putting it! I keep thinking I'll be driving to school one day and JT'll be standing on the corner somewhere, holding a bunch of balloons like that clown from the movie It! It's a terrible vision! :D

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  32. OMG!! Lol. That is the scariest thought. I HATE clowns and "It" frightens me lol.

    JT don't ever do that!!

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  33. "It" is one of the SCARIEST movies EVER!!!!!!!! That clown had me sleeping with my lights on, and looking under my bed when I was like 13 years old! OMG, I hate that movie! I think that movie took my natural dislike of clowns and turned it into full-on fear of clowns!

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  34. The crazy thing is, I had no problem reading the book. But after seeing the movie, I was seriously scarred for life. I mean...omg nightmares. Another thing we share, you are sooo dreamy X! lol.

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  35. You know, I never got through the book... I don't know why(it was a few years back, during my comic book hiatus), but I just never got into it. Maybe one day I'll give it another shot.

    Thank you, Lisha! I can honestly say that's the first time I've been called "dreamy"! :D

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