It's Saturday, which means it it's time for me to give my uninformed, overly sarcastic and at times offensive opinion on comic books and their creators, that's right, it's time for a new installment of The Best of the Rest!!! Are you tired of that introduction yet, 'cause I sure am! But alas, there's nothing that can be done about it, mainly because I'm just not creative enough to come up with anything new. Um, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, this Best of the Rest post thing... I have some pretty mediocre comics to get through tonight, so expect some mediocre psuedo-reviews. Hey, if the writers aren't gonna bring their A-game, why should I?
Outsiders #29: This is one of those comics that has been seemingly sitting on my nightstand forever. Well, not literally forever, but... why am I even explaining this... Anyway, this comic deals with former Outsider Looker(and what kind of a super-hero name is Looker anyway? I guess I'd be Amazing Man-Hunk or something...)being hunted by a vampire who hunts other vampires... Methinks DC is trying to cash in on the vampire-mania that has been running wild. After some hot vampire-on-vampire action, Looker winds up using her womanly wiles to trick and kill the vampire hunter. Since Looker seemed to think that other vampire hunters would come after her(um, why would they? She trounced this one!)she books a plane ticket for Markovia, a country where both Kryptonians AND Vampires are welcome. And they call America a melting pot! Score: 7 out of 10.Whenever the word "bitch" appears twice on a single page, you can be SURE that I'll be posting it!
Justice League of America #45: So Jade landed in Germany thanks to a big green meteorite, which has the Germans none too pleased. The Justice League of America(what, no Justice League of Germany?)arrives to calm the situation down, just as the Justice Society of America's airplane arrives. Just so ya know, the JSA was following their comatose teammate Green Lantern(that would be Alan Scott), who was being drawn to the green meteorite. Before the JSA can touch down, Power Girl attacks and destroys the plane to the shock of the JLAers, and the apathy of me. Power Girl then turns her busty attention to the JLA. Luckily for the JLA, Congorilla(who I guess knew Power Girl would eventually become possessed and turn on EVERYBODY)had contacted Supergirl earlier, and the Girl of Steel arrives to intercept the seemingly insane(but busty)Power Girl. After an extended fight scene, Batman tells Jade to blast Power Girl, since Jade's powers are magic based(really?)and all Kryptonians(even busty ones from alternate dimensions)are vulnerable to magic(or magicks if you prefer). With Power Girl down(but thankfully still busty), the Germans inexplicably decide to launch an attack on the JLA/JSA contingent, and are easily turned aside by Jade... Silly Germans... The two teams then totally ignore the poor inept Germans and decide to discuss Alan Scott's origin... Well that seems unnecessary... Jade then tells the team that the meteorite she arrived in was the Starheart, which I guess is important, since the Starheart gave Alan his GL powers. Alan then wakes up and proclaims that it's the end of the world, and that he feels fine... Well he didn't say the last part, but he should have. Score: 7 out of 10.Okay, no funny comments or anything here, that picture is AWESOME!
New Avengers Finale #1: God help me, this is the comic I've been avoiding... Remember how much I enjoyed BENDIS's work on Siege? No, well go check out my Siege reviews and then come right back...... Done? Good. So you see that I REALLY liked Siege. I guess BENDIS must have sensed that and decided to punish me by putting this piece of garbage out... Basically all you need to know about this one is that the heroes end up capturing the Hood, Madame Masque and Count Nefaria, after an extended(and BORING!!!)battle. Then BENDIS decides to kill 19 pages with a recap of pretty much his entire New Avengers series... Yes, that's right, a NINETEEN page recap!!! I mean is a NINETEEN page recap EVER really necessary!?! So between BENDIS's HORRIBLE dialogue, and what was pretty much a retelling of a series that I didn't like in the first place, this comic was like some sort of terrible comic book torture. When I envision Hell, I see myself strapped to a really uncomfortable chair(maybe one of those little pink children's ones)while demons force me to read this comic for all of eternity!!! Score: 1 out of 10. I'd have gone with a zero if not for the artwork, which was really good. See that, a silver lining!Spider-Man and Luke Cage talking for no reason at all... A SURE sign this was a BENDIS written comic!
Batman #699: So the Riddler was drugged with Joker venom(or Joker gas, although Joker venom sounds a bit classier)last issue, but Bats managed to get him to a hospital in time to administer the antidote. Bats then decides to go after the man responsible, Sebastian Blackspell, but Bats is unable to track down the bad news magician. Oh, and while Bats is chasing leads and doing that whole detective thing Ra's Al Ghul loves so much, the Riddler sneaks out of the hospital(in his hospital gown!)and is able to track down Blackspell(STILL in his gown!)... You know, more then anything else, I'm most impressed that Riddler was able to sneak around Gotham and find Blackspell, all while wearing a hospital gown! I mean really, THAT'S impressive! Bats finds Blackspell's hideout and discovers him kicking Riddler around(and yes, Riddler is STILL in the gown), and steps in to halt the assault. Blackspell falls into a barrel of... magic goo I guess, and Batman accuses Riddler of being responsible for... I don't really know, but something evil. Riddler denies he's turned back to the dark side, and Blackspell turns into a giant pissed-off tree thanks to his exposure to the magic goo... Huh, I didn't see THAT coming... Riddler runs away(bare-foot and STILL in his hospital gown)and Bats winds up tying up Blackspell in some chains. Blackspell becomes human when it starts to rain, and Riddler high-tails it out of Gotham, probably still wearing that hospital gown... What a weird comic this was.... Score: 7 1/2 out of 10.You know, if I was to ever turn into a tree I think I'd do better then simply saying, "I'm... turning into a damn tree!"
Flash #2: Yay, it's Barry Allen time... And just so you know, that's me being BITTERLY sarcastic. On the plus side, my Flash subscription ends at issue #6, and I PROMISE all of you that I WILL NOT pick up another Flash comic so long as Barry Allen is starring in it! But enough venom, let's get this review over with so I can spew some more venom! Barry runs away from the Renegades(who are police officers from the future), and eventually causes the Renegades to return to the future after he messes with their time equipment. Thanks to Barry's negligence, an old apartment building blows up... That Barry Allen is a real jerk. Barry then returns to his police station and finds out that his blood was found on the deceased Mirror Monarch(one of the Renegades), which leads to everybody stupidly looking at him... Yeah, that's right, that's as much of a review for this comic as I'm willing to do! Sue me! I hates me some Barry Allen, plain and simple. If you want to read a Flash comic, do yourself a favor and read some older Mark Waid, Mark Millar, or even that jerk Geoff Johns issues of the Wally West Flash. Boycott Barry Allen!!! Score: 6 out of 10.For as long as YOU'RE alive Barry, I'm definitely NOT okay...
Batman: Streets of Gotham #12: This was yet another really weird read for me... For some bizarre and inexplicable reason, Paul Dini(he's the guy who wrote this comic)decided to make the Carpenter(that woman who's gimmick is that she builds headquarters for villains)the central feature of this book... Yeah, that's right, the Carpenter STARRED in this issue... What, was the Molder unavailable? Jeez... Anywho, she gets hired to build a deathtrap for some loser named the Director(where the HELL is Paul getting these villain names from?!?), who planned on tricking Batman into running through it, so he could film Batman's death... Well, I guess that explains his nom de guerre... 's right, I'm throwing French words out there now! Gawk in awe at my awesomeness!!! Carpenter is nearly finished with her masterpiece when she stumbles upon some of the Director's storyboards which reveal that he intended on killing her to test the traps. Some of the Director's goons then notice that Carpenter saw the storyboards and go to kill her... The most horrifying thing here is the fact that this is a multi-part story! About the Carpenter! And a guy named the Director!! In other Streets of Gotham news, Damian Wayne continues to make nice with that Abuse kid, buying him a motorcycle and a warehouse to keep it. Don't worry, Hell hasn't frozen over or anything, Damian only did this to make sure he'd have the power of Abuse on his side if things ever went sour between him and Batman. Huh, so I didn't like the main story, but I enjoyed the Damian parts... That's a sure sign that I should stop blogging IMMEDIATELY! And possibly check in with a head doctor... Score: 6 out of 10.Damian being NICE!?! What in the blue HELL is going on here!?!?!