Oooookay... Tonight's going to be an interesting pair of reviews... One comic I thoroughly enjoyed, while the other one is probably in the running for worst comic of the year thus far. Well there's no sense delaying the inevitable any further, let's get this over with...
Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne #1: Writer: Grant Morrison... Pencils: Chris Sprouse.
Review: This issue starts off with a bunch of cavemen checking out a crashed spacecraft. Being a spacecraft, the cavemen believe it to be holy, so they mill about and babble in a manner that I won't even try to explain. Eventually, Bruce Wayne emerges from a nearby cave and talks gibberish to the cavemen... Yes, gibberish. Crazy Bruce wanders over to the spacecraft and opens it up, removing a bat-symbol(which promptly disintegrates), and Superman's cape(???)... The cavemen bury the dead old caveman that Bruce was apparently living in the cave with, and then Bruce and the cavemen decide to sit down to have a meal... Is this really happening? Vandal Savage and his band of EVIL cavemen attack Bruce and his cave-buddies and Bruce proceeds to save the youngest of the cavemen. After watching from the shadows as the good cavemen were being routed, Bruce springs into action and eventually gets beat down by Savage's EVIL cavemen. Savage figures that Bruce is a god, and as such he wants to eat him, so he has his men tie Bruce down for the night, because I guess he wasn't hungry at the time. During the night, a giant bat visits Bruce, because... well I really don't know why, but it does. The young caveman that Bruce had saved earlier arrives on the scene, dressed kind of like a Robin(if Robin was a caveman)and cuts Bruce free. The next day, Savage wakes up ready to eat Bruce's brain or heart, he's not very specific on which, and is infuriated to discover that Bruce had escaped. Bruce arrives on the scene, wearing the remains of a giant bat, and uses the contents of his utility belt to confound Savage's men, until he ultimately defeats Savage in battle. Savage's EVIL cavemen are none too pleased by this turn of events, and as such begin to launch a barrage of arrows at Bruce and caveboy Robin. The two leap from a high cliff and land in the water below, and when caveboy Robin arrives from the murky waters, he discovers that Bruce was gone. A little later on, Savage's group pf EVIL cavemen toss Savage out of their tribe, just as a time bubble arrives. Superman, Green Lantern and Booster Gold emerge from the bubble and Supes realizes that they were too late and that Bruce had once again moved through the timestream. Then he ominously states that if Bruce returns to the present, everyone will die!!! For some reason... As for Bruce, he emerges from a pool of water now further along in the future(and not speaking in gibberish anymore for some reason)where he discovers a huge sea monster about to attack a woman... Oh, and for some reason, Bruce has a big sword now... And yes, that ends this one.
What I Thought: What can I really say here? This was horrible. I'd have easily scored this comic a 0 out of 10, but at least the artwork was okay. Cavemen, Bruce speaking gibberish, giant bats, what the bloody hell was Grant thinking here?!? This was nearly epically bad. There's a part of me that's actually looking forward to the second issue just to see how much worse this can get. If this first issue was any indication, this mini-series has the chance to be one of the worst things I have EVER read, so I guess that's something to look forward to, right?
Score: 1 1/2 out of 10.What can I POSSIBLY add to this scene?!