Saturday, February 5, 2011

Brightest Day #18 AND Brightest Day #19(of 1,029,534,876,564,928)

I think I've put it off for long enough... I mean, this is akin to getting a root canal while having your appendix removed... WITHOUT anesthesia! Yes X-Maniacs, I'm ready to... God, it's hard to even type the words out... *sigh* I'm ready to review not one, but TWO issues of Brightest Day... May god have mercy on my soul, because I know Chairman Johns and DC sure as hell won't! As usual, I'll be reviewing these two comics using “Brightest Day Rules.” What exactly does that mean you ask? Before I even open up any issue of Brightest Day I expect it to be the WORST thing I've ever had the misfortune of reading, and as such the comic starts out with a score of 0. Depending on each scene, I'll add or deduct points, meaning it's conceivable for one of these comics to have a final score in the negative numbers! It hasn't happened yet, but hey, each issue of this “masterpiece” is another opportunity for that vaunted negative score. Okay, I've locked the doors and windows, put on some soothing music and cried for an hour. I think I'm ready to begin this review...

Brightest Day #18

Review: We start off with two of Chairman Johns' FAVORITE villains, Not Old, Not Bald, and Not Fat Captain Boomerang and Captain Cold having a lover's quarrel over Capt. Boomerang rescuing Reverse-Flash(Chairman Johns' FAVORITE villain)from prison. What and ever. From there, Deadman calls Dove and whines that his White Lantern ring was powering up, because apparently Deadman never expected a POWER ring to POWER-up. From there we head to Zamaron where Hawkman and Hawkgirl kill Hawkgirl's Predator possessed mother, thus FINALLY freeing them from the curse and simplifying their history for the first time EVER! By this point Deadman's ring has fully charged and he flies away. Hawkman and Hawkgirl teleport to the “one place on Earth” they'd most want to be together and wind up in a museum... Wow, how romantic... Finally free of their convoluted history, they decide to lose their clothes and play naked twister. What? Maybe that's how they get their freak on. Before Hawkman can pull out the spinner(ugh!), Deadman, or I guess his White Lantern counterpart, Aliveman, arrives on the scene to... well, apparently to point his ring at them and stare. Hawkman is naturally alarmed by Aliveman's appearance(plus he probably doesn't want to play naked twister with another dude around), and Aliveman explains that he's not in control of himself, but that the ring is controlling him... Suuuuuure it is Aliveman... That annoying White Lantern Ring tells the Hawks that they are supposed to service the big, super, spectacular, amazing, fantastic, astonishing, STILL unnamed White Lantern champion, which runs counter to Hawkman's naked twister plans, leading to Hawkman telling the Ring to get lost. The ring responds by disintegrating the Hawks, ending this issue.

Thoughts: Okay, now for the fun part! That first scene with Cold and Boomerang earns -5 points because it made me think of Saint Barry... I had no qualms about Deadman's initial scene, so I'll give it a pity +1. The stuff on Zamaron was actually pretty good AND served a purpose, getting rid of Hawkgirl's evil mother and FINALLY getting rid of that curse on the Hawks, so I'll give the whole mess a +5. However, -1 point for the Hawk's deciding the most romantic place they could go was a museum... Another -1 for Deadman freaking out about his ring reaching 100% charge... I mean come on, he HAD to have seen that coming! +2 for Deadman acting like a creepy voyeur, and -3 for DC killing off the Hawks AFTER fixing their damned confusing history! Seriously, what the hell is THAT all about! Finally, +3 points for me repeatedly abusing the phrase, “Naked Twister.” So after some addition and subtraction, this issue of Brightest Day ends up with a......

Score: 1 out of 10. Well, at least that's better than a 0...It's only going to get worse from here, Aliveman...

Brightest Day #19

Review: We get started with Deadman... Oops, I mean Aliveman complaining to the White Lantern Ring about it killing Hawkman and Hawkgirl. The Ring pretty much tells Deadman to shut up so it can tell him a story... Oh god no... The Ring's story made my head hurt, so I'm not even going to TRY to fully explain it. Basically, the Earth has a soul and humanity is... um, corrupting it somehow or something. Anyway, by having the twelve returned characters do twelve random things, this somehow leads to their life force becoming purified. Oh, and Starwood Forest can't be destroyed by the “Dark Avatar” before the “Champion” has risen or some real bad stuff will happen. The skies will turn neon green, children will eat live puppies, chickens will take revenge on farmers and the Earth will explode. Like I said, bad stuff would happen. After that lovely news, we head ♫Under Da Sea♫ where Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad are talking about stuff. You know, girls and the ocean and stuff. Hey, what else would YOU talk to the bastard son of your archenemy about? Anyway, those EVIL water-magic Atlantians suddenly attack Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad and knock them ♫Out of Da Sea♫ thanks to Aliveman and his EVIL Ring freeing the EVIL Atlantians from the Bermuda Triangle. Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad move to rescue as many people from the beach as they can, while trying not to get killed. That sounds like a good strategy to me. The leader of the EVIL Atlantians, Siren, taunts Aquaman by telling him that she had captured and killed Mera off-panel(well she doesn't actually say “off-panel”). Aquaman responds to this news like any rational fishman would, by slowly reaching a hand at Siren and threatening to kill her... That-a-boy, Aquaman, slowly grab at her! Unfortunately, Aquaman's grabbing hand gets chopped off by Black Manta, which makes Aquaman cry... That's right, he CRIED! Aquaman's crying mercifully ends this disaster.

Thoughts: My GOD was this terrible! And NOT in a good way! Okay, let's get to the scoring. Right off the bat we'll go with a -7 for that HORRIBLE story the White Ring told Aliveman... Purifying random b and c-list hero's(and villain's)life forces to save the Earth's soul and/or Starwood Forest from the DREADED(but never mentioned before this issue)Dark Avatar... What? Really?! From there -1 for The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad coming across as a TOTAL loser by telling Aquaman a story about his girlfriend screwing other guys, while he did her homework and got no action... How the HELL is THAT supposed to make him look good!? I'll give the beginning of the fight between Aquaman and The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad against the EVIL Atlantians a +2 because the EVIL Atlantians used the phrase, “Death to the Air-Breathers,” thus proving that they were indeed EVIL. However, -100 points for Black Manta chopping off Aquaman's hand, and -250 points for Aquaman responding by CRYING over it... What the HELL kind of a hero CRIES when he gets injured?!? Cripes, that Risk guy got his arm pulled off by Superboy Prime and he didn't cry, and he's a TOTAL loser! On top of all that, why in the world would you chop off Aquaman's hand? I mean I just can't rationalize that in any way... If you wanted to keep the superior Aquaman from the 1990's around, then why the HELL did they bring back the Silver Age version?? That would be like if Marvel broke up the marriage of Peter Parker and Mary Jane, and then had them get married again, IMMEDIATELY AFTER they broke them up! Why retcon Aquaman's hand getting chopped off only to CHOP IT OFF AGAIN?! To make Aquaman hate Black Manta even more? Manta MURDERED Aquaman's infant son, I doubt having Manta take Aquaman's hand as well is going to make Manta somehow MORE hated by Aquaman! Okay, let's get that final score tallied up so I can put this post to bed...

Score: -356 out of 10... Hmm... That sure is a unique score... Well, it's my blog, and I make the rules, so if I feel like giving a comic book a -356 out of 10, so be it!Jeez, be a man and walk it off you big baby...

38 comments:

  1. Lmmfao... Aliveman, you using spinner as a penis metaphor, and saying naked twister like twelve times made this great, but then Under da sea, and out of da sea wins super points. But the final score, dear God Yes. This is why I'm happy you still review this comic. Because I LAUGHED when I saw his hand get chopped off again, because it's stupid as hell, and because he cried. And gladly, you mentioned both points.

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  2. Thanks a million, JT. Believe it or not, I really did enjoy doing these reviews, DC fanboys be damned! I mean it was all just SO bad! Especially issue #19... I felt like Chairman Johns and Peter Tomasi were deliberately trying to make the comic as bad as humanly possible for some bizarre reason! I mean not just the Aquaman stuff, but the White Ring's story... Where the hell did all THAT come from? Are they just making this story up issue by issue with no endgame in sight or something? Eh, if nothing else I can say that I had a great time ripping it, and at least one other person enjoyed reading it, so I did my job! :-)

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  3. I also wondered that! It's like wait... you wait until issue 19 of like... 24-26 to say, "oh well there's an evil entity that can destroy us all if Hawk doesn't catch a Boomerang that Boomer must throw!" Like really? Are you kidding me?

    And yeah, Aquaman crying was pretty... something. I could see if they killed Mera or something, but like Manta said, he should be USED to that. Hell, it can't hurt more than being dead.

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  4. EXACTLY!!! I mean shouldn't this whole "Dark Avatar" thing have been set up a bit more strongly during the early issues? I GUESS that must have something to do with the Deathstorm story, but they've basically ignored him for like 3 or 4 issues now... Regardless, a point like that PROBABLY should have been revealed a bit earlier on so it would have more of an impact when he/she/it finally shows up... It's like one of those video games where you think you beat the final boss and all of a sudden ANOTHER final boss pops out of the dead "final" bosses ass or something... I hate when that happens!

    Yeah. Losing your wife, child, friend, etc. Sure. Cry your eyes out. But what kind of a hero suddenly STOPS fighting to CRY?! That scene would have bothered me less had Aquaman not cried. I just don't get the point of that whole closing scene. Batman didn't stand in front of Darkseid bawling before he took the Omega Sanction, Superman didn't lay in front of the Daily Planet sobbing after Doomsday beat him to "death." Hell, not even Superboy cried as he "died" and he's only a teenager! What's next, Aquaman begs Black Manta to stop hitting him?!

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  5. Lol the Super final boss. I do agree though, I mean they haven't really mentioned Deathstorm or how he was able to make Black Lanterns of people that are already alive....

    Jackson is gonna see Aquaman crying like a Beeeeotch and attack his dad, then Aquaman is gonna beat Manta into submission with his nub.

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  6. Yeah, not only the Black Lantern creating thing, but they pretty much glossed over the fact that he was able to life/take the White Lantern... Sure they gave some lame excuse, he covered it with his black lantern power or something, but why couldn't one of the other Lanterns, or the Firestorms have figured out a way to move it if it was THAT easy?

    "then Aquaman is gonna beat Manta into submission with his nub." HA! Well maybe that'll get Aquaman some of his super-hero credibility back... I mean hell, if I was The Boy Who Will Inevitably Become Aqualad, I'd seriously reconsider my allegiances with Aquaman laying in the sand crying his eyes out... I'd be like, "Um, can I become Martian Manhunter Lad or something?"

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  7. Another good point. I don't know, maybe only the Black Lantern could do that... who knows. Im just ready for this to end, but then Flashpoint is coming.... so Its bittersweet.

    Lmao, Not-A-Martian Boyhunter. It's better than being the next Robin, everyone knows even numbered Robin's die!

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  8. But when it ends, whatever will I tear to pieces?! Is a world without Brightest Day a world we want to live in?!?!?

    "Not-A-Martian Boyhunter"... I... I don't even know what to say about that. I literally busted out laughing at that. As a "Boyhunter" does that mean he'd hunt boys, because depending on the way that's taken that could have ALL sorts of connotations... Hmm, good point. Fear the day Damian graduates to become Red Robinwing, because that next Robin is a surefire goner!

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  9. X,

    ROFL!!! Not only did they repeat Aquaman losing his hand, they repeated the death of Hawkman and Hawkwoman. I mean, how many times in the last 10 years have they died? Me things 3 each? But this time is different because its soooooo original! WTF!?!?

    LOL @ JT for "boyhunter" and even number Robins dying. But hey, with DC comics now a days, they won't be dead for more than a few years.

    So, they HAVE to be thinking of some type of big picture for the end of this storyline. I mean, they have to have a way to reverse all the damage done during Blackest Night and Brightest Day. Was all of it just a dream? Because that seems like the easiest way out right now.

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  10. Lol, maybe you should rip Flaspoint to pieces.... :-) Lol

    Haha, Not-a-Martian Boyhunter sounds like something you'd see on the news or something, then shake your head and say "Won't someone PLEASE think of the children!" Lol @ Red Robinwing. That name sounds like a mouthful, yet I STILL wouldn't be surprised to see it used...

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  11. Good point about the Hawks, Cole... They MUST hold the record for most combined comic book super-hero deaths... And the thing with Aquaman's hand... Yeah, I don't even know what to say. If they didn't want him to have a hand, then why did they give him back his hand to begin with?! These were some BAAAAD comic books...

    HA! It's SO true about the even #ed Robin's not staying dead! Both of them wound up coming back to life! One thanks to reality punching, while the other one wasn't even dead...

    Sorry JT... There's absolutely NO way I'll be wasting my money on Flashpoint. That's where I draw my line in the sand. Now if you wanted to mail your copy to me, maybe I'd consider it! :P

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  12. Lmao!!! This is wonderful!!! I am laughing so hard. This is just wonderful. I don't even know what to say but thank you X, for making me laugh and enjoy the review of the WORST comic series in 2011 as well 2010 lol.

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  13. JT, save yourself the postage and just scan and e-mail the pictures to him. Or take pictures. Or have him do reviews based off your reviews. lol.

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  14. Haha right Cole? And X, if you think I'm gonna pay 2.99 PLUS shipping to let you read comics you're just gonna throw in the fire on a cold winter night, you are mistaken! :P

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  15. Thanks, Lisha! I figure if I didn't laugh at this garbage I'd go insane, so I have no choice but to just go over the top when I review these books!

    I WOULD do reviews based off of pictures, JT! Or your vague descriptions of what happened! I like Cole's idea of e-mailing me scans from the books though... Now go out and buy a scanner! :P

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  16. Haha, screw you X-Man. Send me that older crappy one you had buddy. Man, that crappy scanner was CRAPPY.

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  17. I still have it actually. It's a scanner/printer/fax machine, so I still use the printer for school, so you're out of luck!

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  18. Hm... and those Professors can read your papers with that damn almost invisible ink? :P

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  19. It actually prints in black better than in color, so go figure!

    These comics, or the reviews themselves, Josh? Because I'd agree with BOTH!

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  20. That's pretty weird. I could get all philosophical and say how technically because black is the absence of color that's why it works better, but instead I'll just say it's due to magic. :D

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  21. HA!!!!!! Magic, huh? Wow, who knew I had an enchanted printer?!

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  22. Yep, it's probably been enchanted by none other than Karion (BUM BUM BUM!!!!) The Witch Boy. Which also explains why it works so crappily ;-)

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  23. HA!!! Wow, you pulled that one out of NOWHERE! Consider me impressed, JT!

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  24. Lol well I'll gladly take that... so... in other, non-related news... Klarion Bum...bum...bum... the Witchboy is on the cover of this week's Batgirl.... Lol

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  25. Huh, I didn't realize that, and I actually BROUGHT that issue! Shows you how observant I am!

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  26. Haha I figured you didn't notice, and I knew it wasn't one of your subscription books, btw I reviewed that issue, so R&R should be up today.

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  27. Wow, today?! What gives, did you only review like 2 books?!? :P I'll probably put up a single review for Cap #614 later on tonight and try to get a new Quick Hits post up either tomorrow or more likely Sunday, as I have some school work to hand in for Monday, meaning less time to read/review comics... :(

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  28. Dude I busted my ass Wednesday, haha, typed that Morning Glories thing up, then reviewed five comics and did my final review, which was Spidey today since I didn't go to work. Plus, hanging with my dad again tomorrow so I wanted to get it posted.

    Hm... school work eh? Long paper or something of that nature?

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  29. You must have, because I was SHOCKED to see SIX reviews posted today! That's insane! You must be trying to take my slot as the blog posting machine... Good luck on THAT feat, buddy!

    Not so much a LONG paper as much as a nuisance paper that I have no interest in doing... It's only 2 to 3 pages, but I'm TOTALLY uninterested in the story I have to write about. Plus I have some science work to put the finishing touches on. About a landfill... Fun, fun, fun...

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  30. Heeeeeelllll no, you can have that crown and keep it forever. Lol, that's one thing I'm positive Ill never even try to take from ya. :P

    Oh is it that book you had to read from a few weeks back or is it something even MORE boring?

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  31. HA! That must be the title nobody wants... Oh well. It's something I guess...

    Nah, this is a different story. It's even worse if you can believe that. I so don't want to work on it...

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  32. Haha yeah that's all yours buddy, that's one thing you can proudly flaunt.

    Man, so you dealt with that book where the dude killed his pops and wanted to boink his mom and this is worse? Damn.

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  33. And flaunt it I shall!!! All hail the Comic Book Posting Machine!!!!!! BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

    Yeah, that Oedipus story was actually pretty readable considering it was written over 2,000(!!!!)years ago. The translation I had was really good, and the story wasn't terrible, so yeah. But this one, Young Goodman Brown? Ugh!!! It's written in that 1600's old English style, and it's a bitch to read through. I mean it's only like a 10 page story, but I just hate it.

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  34. You are the comic book posting machine, you're like... Cyborg mixed with... Superboy Prime when he had no powers, except you don't go on forums and bitch about nothing....

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  35. No, I go on my blog and bitch about nothing! :D

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  36. Haha, speaking of which I need to shoot you an email about something..... or maybe I'll just mention it later.... I think I will, just remind me of this conversation.

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